Local Foo Spotted Walking out of a Trendy LoHi Eatery

DENVER—Pleased by the ambience, exposed brick work and Reclaimed barn wood tables, local Foo, Jayden Alvarez was spotted walking out of a popular LoHi eatery, sources confirmed Friday. “I tried to go out the back patio door so no one can see me,” said Alvarez, adding that he thought it wouldn’t be a big deal since it was during his lunch break with co-workers. “So some Foo’s caught me slipping, who cares?! I’ve work hard my entire life and if I want a pureed nut spread paired with a grape relish reduction on a brioche bun, then it’s my choice!” Adding, “okay, so it’s just a pretentious PB&J sandwich but it sounded so much more authentic when Tanner read the ingredients to me. He said Pomme instead of potato. How cool is that?!” Not buying Jayden’s justification, 24 year old friend, Jake Martinez had this to say to the Danver Daylee. “Tsss, I don’t give a shit if Jayden ate at that overpriced restaurant with garage door windows, that foo was supposed to hit me up for lunch!” Said an angry Jake, adding, “I Don’t EEEEven know why he’s eating at this expensive place when that foo still owes me for a weeks worth of Santiago’s burritos!”

Pretentious Urban Gardener Who Boasts About Eating Local, Spotted At In-N-Out

 

AURORA, CO—Highland urban gardener/part time yoga instructor, Courtney Cooke, was spotted in line at the new In-N-Out location in Aurora. “Psssh, she was one of the first ones in line!”, said 28 year old city worker, Isaiah Lopez, adding, “We both pulled in at the same time and her 2018 Land Cruiser cut right in front of me to be first!”.

Since moving to the Highlands in early 2000, Cooke has helped curate most of the local farmer’s markets and is a champion for shopping local. “It’s completely out of character! I mean, she has an herb and micro-garden on the rooftop of her flat? She’s more Rustic style, not Monster style! Said neighbor, Heather McLaughlin, adding, “The woman delivers bottles of Alkaline water to our doorstep for god sake!” As the news breaks across the neighborhood, more folks are finding themselves in complete disbelief. “This just adds salt to the wound!”, said North Denver resident, Kyle Whittaker, adding, “The hypocrisy is no different than the Mayor advising us not to travel!” 

Area Man One-ups His Homies by keeping it 110 Percent

DENVER—Sources confirmed that a local man awoke one hour earlier than his usual 11:30 AM wake up time on Monday morning and decided that today was the day he was going to give it 110 percent.

Friday afternoon--After a two month layoff--Denver resident Paul Ortega received the phone call he had been waiting for all Summer. "I got the job!" A jovial Mr. Ortega shouted as he was waiting in line with a friend at the local Santiago's fast food restaurant. "Tsss, damn! It's about time fam! Now you can pay for my burrito and smothered fry!" Shouted Mr. Ortega's long time friend ($hortee Bronco$wag303 $anchez) as the two stood in line to order their food. "Psssh, I've been waiting for this call all week and they finally called!" Said Ortega, adding, "I thought I was going to fail my UA bud! I was all-scared!". It was then that Ortega realized that he will no longer have to hear his girlfriend complain about his sitting on the coach all week, playing Xbox and not contributing to the household. "Hell yay fam! I don't have to hear Alyssa talking shit about me not holding down my own!" said Ortega, adding, "Now I can shut her up by putting gas in her car. I'm tired of her complaining about me taking her car. So what if I always drive her car!" said Ortega, adding, "She should use the free bus pass she gets from her job instead of bugging me to take her! I got shit to do!"

After a weekend of drinking, clubbing  and celebrating the good news, Ortega decided to login to Facebook Monday morning to express how he felt. The post read, "Rise&Grind Keep it 110 fam!"

"everyone always posts 100. I felt like I had to be real and take it up to 110 percent." said Ortega.

When asked why he posted 110 instead 100, Ortega had this to say to Danvur Daily and  his haters, "I just thought to myself, no one ever posts 110 percent! To me, going 110 percent just feels right. Plus 110 is more than 100 percent. So When I start my new job today I am going to keep it 110 percent bruh!"

Sources said that Ortega, who was to begin his new job at 9:00 AM, was already one hour and thirty minutes late for his first day of work, however, Ortega refused to take blame for being late.

"Tsss, I was supposed to be in an hour ago but don't have a ride! My lady didn't leave me her car so it's her fault that I'm late!" said a visibly upset Ortega.

Husband Irate After Wife Refuses to "Make him a plate"

COMMERCE CITY, CO—After watching an exciting Monday Night Football game at a Denver Bronco themed family party, local husband Jerry Padilla, 45, asked his wife Rosie Padilla, 43 to serve him a plate as he sat watching the game. It wasn't until Mrs. Padilla refused to serve her husband that Mr. Padilla became livid.

"Tsss, All I did was ask my wife to make me a plate and I get all kindz of attitude from her?!" said Jerry, adding, "It's not like this is the first time I ever asked her to get off her a$$ to make me a plate!" Sources at the party say Mr. Padilla appeared to be a little intoxicated from consuming a six pack of Bud Light and "doin' shots with his hitos". "Chhh, I had a few beers and did some shots with my hitos and got ALL-hungry. So I asked my lady to hook me up with some grub and she was all, make it your damn self!" shouted Jerry, adding that while he could have very well got up from the sofa to serve himself, he likes the way his wife "makes his plate". "Chhh, he gets all menso when he's had too much to drink." said a visibly upset Rosie, adding, "I was in the kitchen talking to my sister, Teresa, and all-of-a-sudden we heard Jerry yell, Hey Rosie, make me a plate! I'm ALL, get off your lazy a$$ and make it yourself! He's right next to the food and I'm all the way in the kitchen?! I swear that man's too damn lazy to get off the couch because he might miss his precious game!"

An hour later order was restored once again when Jerry's niece Selena decided to make her uncle a plate. Selena believed It was in everybody's best interest that her uncle ate. "Uncle Jerry's all drunk and he needs to eat something!" said Selena, adding "I hate when my uncle and auntie fight over stupid stuff. I know my auntie gets frustrated with uncle Jerry when he's drunk but what good is it to argue with a drunk man?" When asked what she thought about her niece serving Jerry, Rosie had a few choice words for us. "That girl is still young and doesn't know the shit I put up with on game day. EEE, but watch, she'll learn!"

Just then Selena's boyfriend Isaiah Ortiz, 21, walks into the party. "Hey come in hito, glad you can make it. Hey Selena get Zaiah a beer will ya!" said Jerry. "Gimme a Bud Light Lime!" shouted Isaiah.

Friends Saddened: Notoriously Tough Denver Man Becomes Excessively Sentimental

THORNTON, CO--As any Dominate, alpha male type can attest, There comes a time in life when you shed your tough guy persona. A time when your body no longer produces testosterone and the life of being a family man softness you up like DQ soft serve. For 55-year-old Thornton (Thorin) tough guy, Tony Martinez, that day came when his 19 year old daughter, Destiny Martinez gave birth to a baby girl.

Friends and family of the once local ruffian, Tony Martinez are saddened by their friends sudden softer, sappy side.
"Pssh, It's just terrible and painful to watch ya know. I once saw Tony beat the crap out of two guys outside the Tap Inn and now that same guy is changing his granddaughter's diapers?!" said Martinez' longtime buddy, 54-year-old Manuel Lopez, adding "Tsss, I member when we use-ta run around in the Northside, partying at the Keg and the Blue Corn. Chhh, Tony didn't take shit from no one bud, but that was back-in-the-day!" Lopez is not alone in grieving for their now over-sentimental friend, Martinez' 36-year-old nephew Jerry Alvarez is quite taken back by his uncles turning over a new leaf. "Chhh, I use-ta look up to my uncle Tony, He gave me my first bud Light and bought me my first lap dance at Cheerleaders! He always had my back when foo's would talk their shit!" said a visibly upset Alvarez, adding "Ever since Destiny's man got her all-pregnant, my uncle hasn't been going to Dandy Dan's Thirsty Thursdays with us after work! I called him last Thursday and he was building a doll house for Destiny's baby! Chhh, and to boot we were all postoo (supposed to) go to Sturgis this year but my aunty Irma is telling me that uncle is thinking about selling his Harley? What the f#@k?!" According to Alvarez, Martinez is half the man he used to be simply because Martinez refuses to frequent the local bars, and prefers family Sunday Funday over riding the hog with his middle-aged Chicano buddies.

Though the days of puffing out his chest at the local bars and stumbling drunk into Chubby's at 3am are behind him, some near and dear to Mr. Martinez praise his new attitude toward life. "Ya know, I am proud of Anthony! My hito had a hard upbringing and wasn't given the chances others had to succeed in life. He wasn't born with a silver spoon in his mouth, but he managed to be a successful company man, husband, dad and grandfather." said Martinez' 72-year-old Uncle, Ernie Martinez, adding "I only wish Anthony would make that dead beat boyfriend of my hita's get a job! Chhh, what a lazy piece of shit that guy is!" Ernie is referring to Destiny's live in boyfriend and father of their child, Leonard Gallegos. Leonard moved in with Tony and his family after Destiny had her baby. "Tsss, Destiny needs to quit sticking up for that p#$$y! She gets all-mad at uncle when he tries to tell Leonard's lazy ass to get a job. Tsss, kick both their asses out the house!" Martinez' frustrated nephew Alvarez chimed in as the Danvur Daylee was interviewing Ernie. "Cálmate me hito, I know you're frustrated but your uncle can't kick out Destiny and Leonard, who's gonna watch the baby?" said Ernie. "Tsss, aunty Irma is the one who watches the baby while Destiny and Leonard go out and party every night!" shouted Alvarez, adding "Shit, ten years ago my uncle Tony would've beat down Leonard, instead he lets that puto sleep in and eat all the groceries!"

Before ending our interview, the Danvur Daylee caught up with Tony Martinez' Daughter, Destiny Martinez. "I love my daddy, he's much more calm these days. After I had the baby my dad stepped up and supported me and Leonard." said Destiny, adding "I know people talk shit because Leonard's not working, but they need to get a life!" Danvur Daylee made an attempt to get an interview with Leonard, but Destiny hasn't seen Leonard in two days. Danvur Daylee asked Destiny about Leonard's whereabouts. "Oh, he's at his ex girlfriends house." said Destiny, adding "Oh, but he doesn't love her anymore, he's just visiting his other baby and telling his ex to leave us alone."

Police: Man Harassed at Local Restaurant for referring to the Northside as the Highlands

DENVER, CO--Police say the incident happened on Friday afternoon at LeChuga's Italian restaurant, located on the 35th block of Tejon.

After overhearing a couples conversation, three men approached a man and woman's table threatening to harm the man if he refers to the North Denver area as the Highlands again.

38-year-old Manny Esquibel of Denver, as well as 42-year-old Frank Mazzotti and 36-year-old Danny Martinez of Commerce City, were charged with aggravated assault resulting in a bloody nose.

Authorities say Kyle Gross and Sarah McGuire of Potter Highlands were having lunch when three men walked up to their table uninvited."Well, Sarah and I were enjoying our meal when out of nowhere three guys approached our table and started cursing and swearing?!" said Kyle, who stated that Esquibel, Mazzotti and Martinez were being rude and threatening him.
"These guys were yelling, this is Norside or something to that effect...I don't even know what Norside means? It wasn't until Sarah explained to me that the guys were actually saying NORTHSIDE, that I feared for my safety!"

Danvur Daylee caught up with first responder, Officer Pat Gutierrez. "Mr. Gross moved into the Highland area during the neighborhood gentrification boom. Having watched the neighborhood flourish and grow steadily with increasing revenue, Mr. Gross is well aware of the animosity people of the old neighborhood have for new home owners like himself." said Officer Gutierrez, adding, "The vast majority of people from the old North Denver neighborhood are frustrated by the revitalization of their old neighborhood. I don't understand this frustration because half the people who are upset have moved out to Thornton and other surrounding areas."

Since the late 90's, North Denver has seen a resurgence in development with neighborhoods flourishing during the economic downturn. "I mean really, these guys are going to get upset because their once decaying hood now has $1 million dollar homes being built?! I just don't get it?" Kyle Gross told the Danvur Daylee, adding, "Heck, my business partner and I have scraped little Victorian shacks into beautiful modern flats!" "See, that's the problem you stooopid, yous guys are taking away the history of the neighborhood! you're lucky I am handcuffed or else I'd go over there and beat your @$$, puto!" Esquibel said. "better watch your back!"

The Irony of this whole debacle is that it took place in one of North Denver's last standing original restaurants, LeChuga's. "Man, I would've just ignored his ass, but saying the Highlands in one of the Northsides last standing treasures got me ALL-pissed!" said Martinez, adding, "Tsss, they tore down Subways, Pagliacci's, Carbone's and now they are selling LeChuga's?! Things are not the same anymore, F@ck the Highlands awwwReady!"

Denver Man torn between the two North Danvur Fast Food Juggernauts

DENVER—According to local reports issued Saturday by 30-year-old Denver City resident Bernadette Manzanarez, her man's all-fuckin' tired of trying to decide the best spot to buy his breakfast burritos. Fuck, the report stated, "He should just pick one place already, and stick with it!" said Bernadette Reports went on saying the previous Friday morning, Bernadette's commmon law husband, Tony Candelaria sat in his car at the Original Chubby's parking lot for roughly twenty minutes smoking what looked to be a Marijuana cigarette,"Tssss, I was all-stressed-out and had a hard time deciding where to get my next burrito. So to relax I sparked a lil pinner my uncle left in my ashtray the night before."

On Thursday night Tony and his uncle, Ron Ortega, enjoyed a night of drinking downtown at the local taverns while, watching a Colorado Rockies game. The next morning evidence of leftover Bubba Chino's adorned the floor of Tony's 2001 Honda Civic. "Since we were downtown we stopped at Bubba Chino's to get me a smothered because Chubby's was outta the way bud!" said Tony's Uncle Ron, adding, "My poor hito (Tony) was too buzzed to drive me to get my Chubby's fix so we just bought a Bubba Chino's! When you're buzzed it all taste the same, ya know?!"

Visibly upset, Tony Candelaria's live-in girlfriend of ten years, Bernadette Manzanarez gave Danvur.com her side of the story. "Obviously they (Tony & Ron) were under the influence of alcohol and not in the right state of mind!" said Bernadette, who happens to prefer the Original Chubby's restaurant, adding, "The take-out containers on the floor of Tony's car were Styrofoam, and not the two stapled Chinet plates Chubby's is known to carry. So I knew right there that Tony was lying about bringing me home a Chubby's after the bar. I should have known better when he served me my smothered fries on one of our plates from home...it even tasted all-different! Chhh, I was all-bummed-out!"

"I didn't think she (Bernadette) could tell the difference bud?!" said an emotional Tony, adding, "It was late! Tsss, at least I picked something up?!" Candelaria continued, "She should have at least thanked me because that fry was expensive! Chhh, Next time that b#$%h will be lucky if I bring that ass a Taco Bell! Wazeout, don't write that please..."

Stating how important it is to them, Danvurians admitted it would be somewhat difficult to completely tear themselves away from the teat(s) that are Chubby's and Bubba Chino's. Ron Ortega Continued, "Chhh, next time me and my hito are buzzed, I'll just tell him to take the side roads and avoid the cops. this way we can get our Chubby's, eat it in the parking lot, sober up, spark a jay and drive home safe."