Broncos loss causes Monday hangover for the Danvurian

The Broncos, Denver hero's with the power to alter the Danvurians day for better or for worse. Between the months of September and January the Broncos are the puppet masters and the Danvurians are the marionettes. Whether the Danvurians Monday is happy and full of promise or crappy like the morning after a night of booze drinking and cocaine, all depends on the outcome of the Bronco game the day before.

In this four month period of Broncomania, Friday is the most promising day of all. Danvurians are on top of the world, strolling into the office Friday morning, clad in their favorite Bronco attire: some sporting their #30 Terrell Davis Jersey, the old school fans with an Orange Crush, Randy Gradishar throw-back, and let us not forget the lovely blue haired receptionist with the dangling bronco helmet earrings. All is great in Bronco land on Friday, not even the office's token Raider fan, who goes out of his way to rank on the Broncos can burst the Danvurians bubble on this crisp Autumn morning. With the Bronco jersey working like a kevlar vest, the Danvurian feels they can take on the work day and anything else coming their way Friday. And when the work day is over it's off to happy hour for a little pre-game celebration. The Danvurian is such the loyal fan, their celebration spans a whole three days in anticipation of Bronco Sunday. But all of this cheer and blissful celebration can come to a screeching halt when the Broncos lose.

It's not whether the Broncos win or lose, it's how they lose that gives the avid Broncos fan an ulcer. For years the Broncos have a way of making stupid mistakes in games. This is a proven fact and any true Bronco fan can vouch for me. Yes, there has been times when the Broncos lose and the Danvurian is still happy because their team put up a valiant effort. But most of the time the Broncos have their fans scratching their heads post game, trying to figure out how a team can screw up in such donkey (a nickname created by Bronco haters) fashion. For years the Broncos have been the proverbial welcome mat to opposing team records. Shit, a running backs shoes have made it to Canton because the Broncos allowed most yards rushed in a game, by a single player! Don't get me started on the plethora of record breaking plays against Denver in Super Bowl appearances because we would be here all night.

In the late 1990's, the Danvurians were finally vindicated when Elway and the boys won back-to-back Super Bowls. Bronco fans were dancing in the streets and crying tears of joy because they're beloved Bronco's finally got the respect they felt were cheated out of all these years. Elway was held to Deity status and praised by all Danvurians as the most beloved player in Bronco history. To this day Elway shares the spotlight with fellow patron saint of Danvur, Carlos Santana. When Elway finally retired on top, and the Broncos had two Super Bowl trophies under their belt, Danvurians believed the worst was behind them and their beloved Broncos would no longer be the NFL's laughing stock.

With a new Coaching staff, Quarterback and players, the Broncos are still the Rodney Dangerfields of the NFL, they just get "No Respect". Through all this turmoil the Danvurian still stands by their team like a nice obedient Stepford Wife. Danvurians need the Broncos, for crying out-loud when the sun sets, and the sky turns a brilliant shade of orange, the Danvurians swear it's because god loves the Broncos. With that kind of unconditional love, Danvurians are the best fans a team can have.

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A December Danvurian Tradition : Making biscochitos and tamales

Christmas is around the corner and if you are a Danvurian, you know it's time to make truck loads of biscochitos and tamales with family. I am not too far off by saying "truck loads" believe me, Danvuian families usually roll deep!

Every year in December Danvurians get together (usually with mom, aunties and grandma) to make biscochitos and tamales. The good ol' days of all the little cousins running into the kitchen to help grandma and aunties roll out the masa for the tamales, and gramps and the uncles in the other room, watching college football and the Broncos on the tube. The older cousins were usually outside, in the garage smoking a "fatoljay" with the neighbor kids. I remember on one occasion running into the garage to get a basketball. I saw four of my older cousins and two neighbor kids standing in a circular formation facing each other, with a cloud of smoke over their heads. As I barged in uninvited they all turned their heads in a synchronized fashion with their cheeks puffed out from holding in the smoke. They actually thought by doing this that I couldn't smell anything. HA!

Cousin: "Aye (hey), what you doin' in ear (hear) buuud!"

Me: "Just came to get a basketball?!"

Cousin: "WHHhhoooooooo (exhales), better not tell grams were out here! Psssh, cuz I'll beat your ass bud!"

Me: "what are you guys doin'?" (I knew damn well what they were doing, I was just so cynical I had to hear it from them.)

Cousin: "Tssss, don't worry about it. hey when are them tamales gonna be done?! cuz we're All-hungry out here!"

Me: "Don't know, I'll check."

Cousin: "And Hey! better keep your mouth shut puss, and I'm "not-even" lying!"

I ran back into the house to ask grandma when we can eat. she replied with:

Gramz: "Oh poody (pretty) soon hito, where are your cousins?"

I didn't dare tell gramz that they were in the garage, leaning on Gramp's Caddy puffin' on the tweeds! This is just one of many fond memories I have of December family gatherings around the holidays.

Making biscochitos and tamales has been a Danvur tradition as far back as I can remember, and is sure to be passed on to the new generation. Hopefully the new generation will respect tradition/culture and continue this beautiful annual gathering. But todays generation of Danvurians are becoming more diverse, and I see a decline in the old Danvur chicano traditions, which is all good because they're making new traditions. For instance, my Gramz (grandmother) is close to 100 years old and can't quite continue the rigorous tasks of making masa, red chile and biscochitos from scratch. Thanks to my Momz, my mother stays with my Grams and helps keep the tradition by making biscochito & tamale care packages for my ginormous/multi-cultural family. If my mother had not taken the initiative this year, I would have been without the comforts of my Danvur Family tradition: The spicy, wholesome goodness of a warm tamale and the taste of black licorice from the anise seed baked inside the biscochitos.

Who knows, the vast majority of future Danvurians will be more diversified, and will create their own traditions. They'll probably create a fusion tamale that contains; plantains, black beans and Sriracha infused pork butt. And instead of biscochitos, it will be chicken apple empanadas with a rich demi-glaze (I know what a weird combination, but have you seen some of the new restaurants popping up around North Denver.) Davurians are no longer being influenced by a single cultural background. Danvurians are now catching on to the East coast "European influences and way of life" maybe the new tradition will be: riding to Grandma's house in a Vespa to make topas and drinking a good "porto" (port)?

All kidding aside, whatever new traditions you may have, any tradition is great as long as family sticks together.

Happy Holidayz!
danvur.com

Old Skool Danvurism - Spandex

Denver, Colorado, the summer of 1988; Keith Sweat and Bobby Brown topped the R&B charts, Roller City with their “All nighters” was the place to be, and wearing Spandex as a part of your everyday attire was the norm.

In Danvur, Spandex became a phenomenon in the late 80’s and tapered off in the early 90’s. The Grunge era was responsible for the fazing out of the synthetic fiber bike shorts and their exceptional elasticity. Every young Danvurian participated in the Lycra (Spandex) craze which swept through Denver like a Kansas City dust storm.

Poofer-Chics (female Danvurians with a taste for High Hair Dos and Aqua Net) were probably responsible for 80% of the Spandex being purchased in Denver between the years 1987-1989. During this time Lycra (Spandex) stocks were sky rocketing due to a quick surge in Spandex sales. If you lived in Danvur (or surrounding areas like “Thortin” and “Waastminister”) and you loved dance music, then most likely you’re guilty of busting a pair of “Dex”. I can just see it now; “Oh Sheela”, by Ready for the World blaring at a school social. In the middle of the dance floor is a group of Poofer Chics wearing matching cow patterned Spandex, and dancing the Robo Cop/Roger Rabbit. Ah the good ol' days of Aqua Net, R&B tapes, Hicky Neclaces, over sized IOU sweaters and Spandex are still fresh in my mind. But Poofer Chics alone were not the only Danvurians making up a huge percentage of Spandex sales. The guys were guilty and also participants in this memorable moment in Danvurian pop culture. That’s right the dudes were putting on the “Dex” and beaters (Hanes white, ribbed tank top). This made for an interesting and “creative” way for carrying their vent brush and Velcro wallets.

But the Pièce de résistance had to be the matching Spandex couple! In high school, everyone knew the popular Danvur couple with their matching high hair dos and Lycra Bike Shorts. This couple could almost always be spotted walking a breast up and down the school halls, during class time. I often wondered how this elusive couple had managed to not get pinched by school security. I am convinced this couple had a year supply of hall pass slips.

“Damn! She’s All-fine in her wicked ol’ spandex, huh!”
- Danvurian circa 1988

Chubbz!

Ok, I finally summoned the courage to write a post about the infamous, Original Chubby's Restaurant, located in Denver, CO. Keep in mind this is not an easy task and must be handled with a kid-glove approach. I don't need the stress of an irate Danvurian knocking down my front door because I upset the masses.

Original Chubby's Restaurant is something ALL Danvurians alike can agree on. Whether your an Uppity-Chicano trying to show your Caucasian colleague the beauty of a smothered fry, or maybe you're a city worker who takes four lunch breaks in a single day. To the Danvurian, Chubby's is everything they want: Ridiculously hot, green chile, large portions, smothered, and it's perfect for those nights of heavy drinking.

For a Danvurian going to Chubby's is almost like going to church, it happens at least one to two times a week. For some Danvurians, the slightest peep of the word "Chubby's" will have them salivating like a Pavlov dog and going through withdrawals. Dating back to the late 60's, Chubby's has been "Danvur's" fast food of choice and remains a staple of the Danvurian diet. Thousands upon thousands of smothered fries and bean specials are being consumed by Danvurians each year. Slews of people line up, order and take a number in wait of the spicy, mouth-watering goodness that is Chubby's. Though there are a number of different meats and ingredients that make up the Chubby's menu, the cheese and the green chile remain the two most crucial ingredients in the entire Chubby's arsenal.

Chubby's green chile is very hot with a thick gravy consistency. I say green but the chile has more of an orangish hue to it and contains a lot of Chile Piquin and Jalapenos to give it that extra kick. Depending on who's cooking, or what time of day you go to Chubby's, the chile can be just right or it can burn the crap out of your taste buds. If you are looking for a five alarm type chile I suggest you go in at 2:00 am (during the drunken club-goer hours). For some reason 2:00 am, on the weekend happens to be when Chubby's makes the hottest chile. Sometimes the chile is so hot I find myself finishing my Double Big Gulp before I can make it half way through my smothered fries.

The cheese is the main ingredient, and quite frankly I think they put crack in the cheese because it's so addicting. Keep in mind this cheese is no Gorgonzola Dulce or Parmigiano Reggiano, it's a smooth hybrid of Velteeta aged Wisconsin cheddar and good'ol gov'mnt cheese. No matter what cheese snobs may say, the velvety texture of Chubby's cheddar is about as creamy as you can get! I am serious! As a customer I love looking into the order window, leading into the kitchen to watch the cooks sprinkle the shredded Chubby's cheddar on my plate. The sprinkling of the cheese is one of the final touches to a masterpiece, followed by the stapling of the two Chinet plates. That's right an extra Chinet plate on top forms the ingenious container design, created by Chubby's. Once the top Chinet plate is in place, The cheese almost instantly melts into the chile creating a nacho type chile/cheese sauce!

Danvurians can't get enough of Chubby's, it's like heroin. Any self respected Danvurian knows the way to a Danvurians heart is through their stomachs, and when you add Chubb's to the mix the Danvurian also pays for it out their a!#$. Post-Chubby's, bubble guts can be harsh to the digestive track but this is a small risk the Danvurian is willing to take. After feasting on a Chubby's burrito, the Danvurian will always tell themselves; "UGH! never again! I have the post-smothered fry runs!" However days later the same Danvurian will be inside Chubby's with number in hand, waiting impatiently for their smothered crack. For the experienced Danvurian it only takes an approximate 8-24 hour grace period until their next Chubby's order. Over years of consumption, the experience Danvurian has developed a cast iron stomach from eating Chubby's on a regular basis.

You know when you are approaching Chubby's because of the distinct smell that emanates outside the rear entrance of the restaurant. Once you arrive to the parking lot, good luck finding a parking spot. Chubby's has constant traffic throughout the day which makes for overcrowding. Again this is a simple obstacle the Danvurian is willing to take-on in acquiring their next bean special with chicharron.

Chubb's is revered by the vast majority of Danvurians and their out of state friends who hear many a tale of the hot, cheese-oozing smothered goodness. If you live out of state and visit here often, I am sure you've experienced Chubby's through a Danvurian acquaintance or relative. Danvurians love Chubb's so much they feel obligated to spread the gospel to the uniformed.

The following are testimonials from satisfied Chubby's customers:

"HELL YA, CHUBBYS IS DA BOMB! PSSSSH I HIT UP CHUBBZ WHENEVER I'M ALL HUNGRY!"
- Ants (Anthony)

"MMMM IT'S ALL-GRUB! LOL, WAYZOUT!"
-Bern

"I leave the office around 11:00 to beat the lunch rush, which mostly consists of City Workers."
-Jerry O

"For lunch, I give up my parking downtown just to drive a few co-workers and myself to 38th!"
-Chad

Don't Be Stash Bud?!

If you've lived in Denver longer than a year you should be aware that whatever is in your possession also belongs to a Danvurian. I know this sounds ridiculous but let me try to explain the complexity of the word "stash"!

Danvurians feel they are entitled to everything and anything in their immediate surroundings. You may ask yourself this does not seem fare, why should I have to give what I've earned to a stranger?! Well it's simple, Danvurians can become very abrasive people if you do not accept these terms. It's almost like a Mafioso; whatever your possessions maybe becomes theirs, or at the very minimum a percentage of what you have. Don't get me wrong the Danvurian will not chop you up and throw you in the weeds (although some might.) like some gangster, instead the Danvurian will label you with the ultimate insult of being "Stash".

The word "Stash" is very powerful to the Danvurian. Like I've stated in past posts, the Danvurian is a person of few words. Danvurians love to use strong home-spun jargon to get their point across and using the word "Stash" is a prime example. Not only does the word stash convey how "greedy" they think you are, it adds a little bit of an insult because you choose not to share. If the Danvurian feels they are being completely cut out of the deal and can't stress how they feel enough, you maybe called "All-Stash". Remember adding the word "ALL" before an adjective works as an interjection for the Danvurian. Here is an actual conversation I had with a fellow Danvurian using the word stash.

Danvurian: "Tsss, hey bud lemme have some of your fries?!" (notice the Danvurian politely asks me but at the sametime becomes very demanding.)

ME: "Ah, well I am kinda hungry and haven't ate anything all day."

Danvurian: "PSSSSh! Damn bud! you're All-Stash!"

Yes the Danvurian could have very well replied with; "No problem, I'll get my own." But this is what makes the Danvurian a rare individual. I ended up giving the Danvurian half of my fries because 1.) I felt guilty and 2.) I felt threatened by his tone and demeanor. Only the Danvurian has the power to do this with just a single word.

Remember the next time you are with a Danvurian, and they ask you for something that is in your possession, don't question just give it to them. It's not worth the hassle or stress. Believe me you'll thank me for this sage advice.

Danvurians and their "Suped up" or "Souped up" SUVs

Since danvurians consider themselves to be "suave" and "self-assured", they are in constant need of accessories that will help project this image. One of the best ways a Danvurian can show the world they are polished and refined is to own (or lease, but y'all don't need to know that.) a souped up SUV.

There are various types of expensive SUV's (loads) that appeal to the Danvurian and pin pointing the best model is a very complex situation. For instance, purchasing an SUV depends on the Danvurians budget. If they are a blue collared worker, most often they will opt for a lower tier of SUV like a KIA or Chevy Blazer. But if the blue collar Danvurian refuses to settle on the latter, they will opt for the high end SUV like the Escalade or a North Denver fav, Yukon (preferably Black). If the blue collared Danvurian chooses the expensive, higher end SUV, one of two things have to happen, either they still live at home or they're leasing it.

If the Danvurian is a high roller expensive accessories for the SUV are a must. These accessories include: 22's (some high rollers are known to opt for 24's!), back-up camera, DVD player with THX sound features, over-the-top sound system are just to name a few. The SUV will have to be high end for the high roller; For example a new H1 Hummer, 2010 Lincoln Navigator or the ever popular Cadillac Escalade. The high roller pride themselves in their choice of SUV. To the high roller the SUV is an extension of themselves and will go to lengths on achieving the most loced out ride.

Lastly we have the Uppity-Chicano SUV. The Uppity-Chicano is a very complex person and relies more on the foreign SUVs and not so much of the custom accessories. The choice SUV for the Uppity-Chicano are BMW, Mercedes, Acura or Toyota Landcruiser. Nothing upsets an Uppity-Chicano more than a High Roller trying to "loc out" one of these rides, especially the Landcruiser because the Landcruiser is probably the most attainable ride of the four. The only people who are exempt from "locing out" their rides are Professional Football players or NBA stars.

So if you're cruising the Boulevard and roll next to a souped up ride, honk and acknowledge their ride. Because nothing will make a Danvurian feel more validated then appreciating their load.