Danvurians make it short and sweet!

The Danvurian is a person of few words. Should you choose to have a conversation with a Danvurian, you will understand what I am talking about. As I stated before, Danvurians are masters of using home-spun jargon. Using slang, the Danvurian will take somewhat complex subjects and boil them down to a few words. For instance a Danvurian watching a 2 hour segment on a current event; not only do they become the expert, but they can explain what they just watched with very few words. Below are some examples of short and to the point responses from fellow Danvurians.

EXAMPLE #1 - Being asked if they enjoyed their meal.

Average Person: "The food here is amazing! the whipped garlic red potatoes with the white butter reduction sauce was scrumptious to say the least! not to mention the ambiance and use of lighting in this establishment."

Danvurian: "They have bomb grub!"

Average Person: "can you elaborate on that please?"

Danvurian: Ok, they have Bomb-Bomb grub!"

EXAMPLE #2 - Responding to bad weather conditions posted by the local news.

Average Person: "Wow, with these sub-zero temps and horrid road conditions, CDOT will most likely need extra trucks to spray magnesium chloride for the morning commuters?"

Danvurian: "it's ALL-cold and slippery huh!"

EXAMPLE #3 - Being asked to do something out of your comfort zone.

Average Person: "I would never entertain the idea of commiting such an act?! I am appalled that you even had the audacity to ask me to do such a thing?"

Danvurian: "tss, fuck-Dat!"

EXAMPLE #4 - Asking what type of beer they want from the bar.

Average Person: "Yes, may I please see your craft beer menu? What IPA's, Aecht Schlenkerla Rauchbier, Pilsner beers do you carry?"

Danvurian: "Budlight! oh and a set-up!"

EXAMPLE #4 - Asking to meet up with you for dinner.

Average Person: "What are you in the mood for; Thai, India, sushi? I know a great sushi place tucked away in the Potter Highlands. It's a speak easy place my friend just opened. There's also a great bistro up the street. their PEI mussels are to die for!"

Danvurian: "Where yous wanna eat at?!"

EXAMPLE #5 - Telling them they are a cruel person.

Average Person: "Goodness, I had no idea you thought of me in that way. I apologize if I took your situation so lightly. I value your friendship and hate to lose such a great friend and confidant. However I feel you should also take responsibility for your own actions."

Danvurian: "What-Evz!"

EXAMPLE #5 - They respond to a negative comment.

Average Person: "Excuse me, but that comment was very rude and inappropriate! How can you say such a thing to me when all I do is value your opinion and think the world of you?!"

Danvurian: "UGH, I'll mamber you!"

The Danvur Daylee - Distraught Raider Fan Found nude and shaken up near a Denny's Dumpster

DENVER, CO--At approximately 5:15 AM, Denver Police discovered a nude man wondering around the dumpster in a Denny's parking lot located at 1600 block of Nw Federal Blvd. "We received a frantic 911 call at 4:58 AM from a Denny's employee who described a naked distraught male, in his late to early 30's, sitting by the dumpster, in a fetal position." said Denver Police officer Mahoney. Officer Mahoney was the first responding officer to the scene and he was quite taken back by what he saw. "The guy was mumbling about wanting his mom and a blanket because he was cold." said Mahoney, adding "As I approached the distraught male, I noticed what appeared to be orange spray paint covering his lower extremities. The victim also had an orange parking cone protruding out of his posterior."

Danvur Daylee interviewed the 911 caller, Joey De La Cruze. "Tsss, it was crazy-crazy! I went outside to take out the trash and I saw this foo...i mean guy was hiding behind the dumpster. he looked all-scared & stuff. So I asked him what the F#%%& he was doing in the parking lot all-naked, with a parking cone in his ass...oops my bad can we say that!? Pshh, I couldn't even understand him because he was crying! I was like--stop crying like a baby foo!" The distraught man was given a blanket and taken to a near by hospital to check for any further injuries. "A fellow officer and myself made several attempts at getting some information as to what happened to the male victim in question. The only coherent response we got from him was...This is Bronco Country and I want to go home!" said officer Mahoney.

If anyone has any information leading to the apprehension of the suspects responsible for this crime, don't call, don't write because you will be next!

Old Skool Danvurism - Spandex

Denver, Colorado, the summer of 1988; Keith Sweat and Bobby Brown topped the R&B charts, Roller City with their “All nighters” was the place to be, and wearing Spandex as a part of your everyday attire was the norm.

In Danvur, Spandex became a phenomenon in the late 80’s and tapered off in the early 90’s. The Grunge era was responsible for the fazing out of the synthetic fiber bike shorts and their exceptional elasticity. Every young Danvurian participated in the Lycra (Spandex) craze which swept through Denver like a Kansas City dust storm.

Poofer-Chics (female Danvurians with a taste for High Hair Dos and Aqua Net) were probably responsible for 80% of the Spandex being purchased in Denver between the years 1987-1989. During this time Lycra (Spandex) stocks were sky rocketing due to a quick surge in Spandex sales. If you lived in Danvur (or surrounding areas like “Thortin” and “Waastminister”) and you loved dance music, then most likely you’re guilty of busting a pair of “Dex”. I can just see it now; “Oh Sheela”, by Ready for the World blaring at a school social. In the middle of the dance floor is a group of Poofer Chics wearing matching cow patterned Spandex, and dancing the Robo Cop/Roger Rabbit. Ah the good ol' days of Aqua Net, R&B tapes, Hicky Neclaces, over sized IOU sweaters and Spandex are still fresh in my mind. But Poofer Chics alone were not the only Danvurians making up a huge percentage of Spandex sales. The guys were guilty and also participants in this memorable moment in Danvurian pop culture. That’s right the dudes were putting on the “Dex” and beaters (Hanes white, ribbed tank top). This made for an interesting and “creative” way for carrying their vent brush and Velcro wallets.

But the Pièce de résistance had to be the matching Spandex couple! In high school, everyone knew the popular Danvur couple with their matching high hair dos and Lycra Bike Shorts. This couple could almost always be spotted walking a breast up and down the school halls, during class time. I often wondered how this elusive couple had managed to not get pinched by school security. I am convinced this couple had a year supply of hall pass slips.

“Damn! She’s All-fine in her wicked ol’ spandex, huh!”
- Danvurian circa 1988

Chubbz!

Ok, I finally summoned the courage to write a post about the infamous, Original Chubby's Restaurant, located in Denver, CO. Keep in mind this is not an easy task and must be handled with a kid-glove approach. I don't need the stress of an irate Danvurian knocking down my front door because I upset the masses.

Original Chubby's Restaurant is something ALL Danvurians alike can agree on. Whether your an Uppity-Chicano trying to show your Caucasian colleague the beauty of a smothered fry, or maybe you're a city worker who takes four lunch breaks in a single day. To the Danvurian, Chubby's is everything they want: Ridiculously hot, green chile, large portions, smothered, and it's perfect for those nights of heavy drinking.

For a Danvurian going to Chubby's is almost like going to church, it happens at least one to two times a week. For some Danvurians, the slightest peep of the word "Chubby's" will have them salivating like a Pavlov dog and going through withdrawals. Dating back to the late 60's, Chubby's has been "Danvur's" fast food of choice and remains a staple of the Danvurian diet. Thousands upon thousands of smothered fries and bean specials are being consumed by Danvurians each year. Slews of people line up, order and take a number in wait of the spicy, mouth-watering goodness that is Chubby's. Though there are a number of different meats and ingredients that make up the Chubby's menu, the cheese and the green chile remain the two most crucial ingredients in the entire Chubby's arsenal.

Chubby's green chile is very hot with a thick gravy consistency. I say green but the chile has more of an orangish hue to it and contains a lot of Chile Piquin and Jalapenos to give it that extra kick. Depending on who's cooking, or what time of day you go to Chubby's, the chile can be just right or it can burn the crap out of your taste buds. If you are looking for a five alarm type chile I suggest you go in at 2:00 am (during the drunken club-goer hours). For some reason 2:00 am, on the weekend happens to be when Chubby's makes the hottest chile. Sometimes the chile is so hot I find myself finishing my Double Big Gulp before I can make it half way through my smothered fries.

The cheese is the main ingredient, and quite frankly I think they put crack in the cheese because it's so addicting. Keep in mind this cheese is no Gorgonzola Dulce or Parmigiano Reggiano, it's a smooth hybrid of Velteeta aged Wisconsin cheddar and good'ol gov'mnt cheese. No matter what cheese snobs may say, the velvety texture of Chubby's cheddar is about as creamy as you can get! I am serious! As a customer I love looking into the order window, leading into the kitchen to watch the cooks sprinkle the shredded Chubby's cheddar on my plate. The sprinkling of the cheese is one of the final touches to a masterpiece, followed by the stapling of the two Chinet plates. That's right an extra Chinet plate on top forms the ingenious container design, created by Chubby's. Once the top Chinet plate is in place, The cheese almost instantly melts into the chile creating a nacho type chile/cheese sauce!

Danvurians can't get enough of Chubby's, it's like heroin. Any self respected Danvurian knows the way to a Danvurians heart is through their stomachs, and when you add Chubb's to the mix the Danvurian also pays for it out their a!#$. Post-Chubby's, bubble guts can be harsh to the digestive track but this is a small risk the Danvurian is willing to take. After feasting on a Chubby's burrito, the Danvurian will always tell themselves; "UGH! never again! I have the post-smothered fry runs!" However days later the same Danvurian will be inside Chubby's with number in hand, waiting impatiently for their smothered crack. For the experienced Danvurian it only takes an approximate 8-24 hour grace period until their next Chubby's order. Over years of consumption, the experience Danvurian has developed a cast iron stomach from eating Chubby's on a regular basis.

You know when you are approaching Chubby's because of the distinct smell that emanates outside the rear entrance of the restaurant. Once you arrive to the parking lot, good luck finding a parking spot. Chubby's has constant traffic throughout the day which makes for overcrowding. Again this is a simple obstacle the Danvurian is willing to take-on in acquiring their next bean special with chicharron.

Chubb's is revered by the vast majority of Danvurians and their out of state friends who hear many a tale of the hot, cheese-oozing smothered goodness. If you live out of state and visit here often, I am sure you've experienced Chubby's through a Danvurian acquaintance or relative. Danvurians love Chubb's so much they feel obligated to spread the gospel to the uniformed.

The following are testimonials from satisfied Chubby's customers:

"HELL YA, CHUBBYS IS DA BOMB! PSSSSH I HIT UP CHUBBZ WHENEVER I'M ALL HUNGRY!"
- Ants (Anthony)

"MMMM IT'S ALL-GRUB! LOL, WAYZOUT!"
-Bern

"I leave the office around 11:00 to beat the lunch rush, which mostly consists of City Workers."
-Jerry O

"For lunch, I give up my parking downtown just to drive a few co-workers and myself to 38th!"
-Chad

"Huh!" Followed up by the universal head nod.

In casual conversation the Danvurian can use one word and head gesture to agree, get their point across or to ask for repetition of an utterance. Huh? you ask? The word "huh" is a very important word used by the Danvurian in expressing themselves.

Huh can be used in numerous ways. One of the many uses of the word "huh" can be agreement. For example, say you're dissatisfied with your job and you happen to work with a Danvurian who shares your discontent with the work place. Simply turn to the Danvurian and express your displeasure with your job: "Oh I just hate it when they have us run these reports every morning!" The Danvurian will take notice of your disgust and agree with the following: "Huh!" (The universal head nod follows the word huh.). Doing this gesture conveys the Danvurians empathy to your situation.

Another use of the word "huh" and head nod is an exclamation expressing surprise or excitement and frequently introducing a question. The Danvurian is good at expressing themselves with filled pauses or one word sentences. This is a way for the Danvurian to express emotion. Example: "Huh, he got knocked the fuck out!"

My last example is used as a part of an utterance not properly heard or understood. For example say you are asking a Danvurian a question from another room and they can't hear because they are watching the Bronco game in the other room. Example: "Hey Rudy, want cheese on your smothered?!" "Huh bud, I am watching the game?!"

Danvurians are very expressive people who love to get their point across with minimal effort and lots of emotion. To the right people we are very open and talkative, but if we hardly know you and you want to engage in conversation, do not be insulted if we reply with a single interjection..."Huh!"

I-70 purina plant

The infamous drive down I-70, just east of the mouse trap is a drive that makes every Danvuian cringe with disgust. Heading east, past the Stock Show, and Coliseum, just yards away in all it's glory, the Purina Plant. If you live in Denver and have traveled I-70 east you know the aroma that is Purina.

When I was a little kid, my mom would take I-70 east to go to work, and I knew it meant passing the Purina Plant. So just like clock work my bro and I would cover our noses with our shirts in preparation of the musky, sweet-fecal smelling stench that emanated out of those huge smoke stacks. The stench would linger almost as far as Vasquez blvd and give my mother a headache. For years it was rumored in the hood, the stench came from a slaughter house and not Purina. Once the Slaughter house closed down a few years ago, there was no argument to where the stench comes from.

There are two small towns that surround the Purina plant, towns that I like to call the "Armpits of Danvur" . In the hood, we associate the stench with the lil town known as Swansea, a.k.a "Swampton!" The other town, Globville is within walking distance of Purina, this is the town I like to call "The Land that time forgot". Growing up in Globeville you get use to the smell because of the several other odors that make up the town Globeville.

If you find yourself gridlocked, during rush hour, on I-70 between Washington and York. Roll down the window, take a deep breath, and take in the rancidity-rankness that is Purina.

Carlos Santana - The Patron Saint of Danvur

Santana, the patron saint of Danvur is a Mexican-born American rock god! Santana is best known for being a pioneer of rock, salsa-fusion in the late 60's and early 70's.
To Danvurians, Santana is the pinnacle of success and we look up to him like the smooth uncle who plays guitar in our family. As Danvurians growing up, we've all had cousins and uncles who try to emulate his style. From wearing bandanas, guayabera's and growing their hair long, I remember being a little kid and watching my uncles play the bongos, light up fatoljays and try to jam along to Santana alubums. No matter the occasion a Santana song can surely get a Danvur party started.

If you've ever attended a Danvur bar bq, party or bar, you know that Santana is a safe selection when playing music. The mere sound of "Oye Como Va!" playing will soften the hardest of Danvurians! Upon hearing this track, the Danvurian quickly goes into groove mode. When attending a Danvur Party, you can bet someone will slip in Santana's Greatest Hits (the CD with the African male holding a dove), this happens like clock work. Playing this CD will ensure everyone that the party is still live and will be for hours to come.

No matter what your music preference is, Santana is a way for all Danvurians to have a common ground. For instance, the music nazi friend who refuses to listen to anything mainstream, and will opt for more of the unattainable alternative sounds. Santana is a perfect ice breaker for this kind of music enthusiast, but of course the music nazi friend will most likely gravitate toward the more obscure Santana tracks like: "The Santana Brothers album."

Santana is a god to all Danvurians and remains an important force in the Danvurian culture. This is why Santana is the patron saint of DANVUR!