Area Man One-ups His Homies by keeping it 110 Percent

DENVER—Sources confirmed that a local man awoke one hour earlier than his usual 11:30 AM wake up time on Monday morning and decided that today was the day he was going to give it 110 percent.

Friday afternoon--After a two month layoff--Denver resident Paul Ortega received the phone call he had been waiting for all Summer. "I got the job!" A jovial Mr. Ortega shouted as he was waiting in line with a friend at the local Santiago's fast food restaurant. "Tsss, damn! It's about time fam! Now you can pay for my burrito and smothered fry!" Shouted Mr. Ortega's long time friend ($hortee Bronco$wag303 $anchez) as the two stood in line to order their food. "Psssh, I've been waiting for this call all week and they finally called!" Said Ortega, adding, "I thought I was going to fail my UA bud! I was all-scared!". It was then that Ortega realized that he will no longer have to hear his girlfriend complain about his sitting on the coach all week, playing Xbox and not contributing to the household. "Hell yay fam! I don't have to hear Alyssa talking shit about me not holding down my own!" said Ortega, adding, "Now I can shut her up by putting gas in her car. I'm tired of her complaining about me taking her car. So what if I always drive her car!" said Ortega, adding, "She should use the free bus pass she gets from her job instead of bugging me to take her! I got shit to do!"

After a weekend of drinking, clubbing  and celebrating the good news, Ortega decided to login to Facebook Monday morning to express how he felt. The post read, "Rise&Grind Keep it 110 fam!"

"everyone always posts 100. I felt like I had to be real and take it up to 110 percent." said Ortega.

When asked why he posted 110 instead 100, Ortega had this to say to Danvur Daily and  his haters, "I just thought to myself, no one ever posts 110 percent! To me, going 110 percent just feels right. Plus 110 is more than 100 percent. So When I start my new job today I am going to keep it 110 percent bruh!"

Sources said that Ortega, who was to begin his new job at 9:00 AM, was already one hour and thirty minutes late for his first day of work, however, Ortega refused to take blame for being late.

"Tsss, I was supposed to be in an hour ago but don't have a ride! My lady didn't leave me her car so it's her fault that I'm late!" said a visibly upset Ortega.

Husband Irate After Wife Refuses to "Make him a plate"

COMMERCE CITY, CO—After watching an exciting Monday Night Football game at a Denver Bronco themed family party, local husband Jerry Padilla, 45, asked his wife Rosie Padilla, 43 to serve him a plate as he sat watching the game. It wasn't until Mrs. Padilla refused to serve her husband that Mr. Padilla became livid.

"Tsss, All I did was ask my wife to make me a plate and I get all kindz of attitude from her?!" said Jerry, adding, "It's not like this is the first time I ever asked her to get off her a$$ to make me a plate!" Sources at the party say Mr. Padilla appeared to be a little intoxicated from consuming a six pack of Bud Light and "doin' shots with his hitos". "Chhh, I had a few beers and did some shots with my hitos and got ALL-hungry. So I asked my lady to hook me up with some grub and she was all, make it your damn self!" shouted Jerry, adding that while he could have very well got up from the sofa to serve himself, he likes the way his wife "makes his plate". "Chhh, he gets all menso when he's had too much to drink." said a visibly upset Rosie, adding, "I was in the kitchen talking to my sister, Teresa, and all-of-a-sudden we heard Jerry yell, Hey Rosie, make me a plate! I'm ALL, get off your lazy a$$ and make it yourself! He's right next to the food and I'm all the way in the kitchen?! I swear that man's too damn lazy to get off the couch because he might miss his precious game!"

An hour later order was restored once again when Jerry's niece Selena decided to make her uncle a plate. Selena believed It was in everybody's best interest that her uncle ate. "Uncle Jerry's all drunk and he needs to eat something!" said Selena, adding "I hate when my uncle and auntie fight over stupid stuff. I know my auntie gets frustrated with uncle Jerry when he's drunk but what good is it to argue with a drunk man?" When asked what she thought about her niece serving Jerry, Rosie had a few choice words for us. "That girl is still young and doesn't know the shit I put up with on game day. EEE, but watch, she'll learn!"

Just then Selena's boyfriend Isaiah Ortiz, 21, walks into the party. "Hey come in hito, glad you can make it. Hey Selena get Zaiah a beer will ya!" said Jerry. "Gimme a Bud Light Lime!" shouted Isaiah.

Friends Saddened: Notoriously Tough Denver Man Becomes Excessively Sentimental

THORNTON, CO--As any Dominate, alpha male type can attest, There comes a time in life when you shed your tough guy persona. A time when your body no longer produces testosterone and the life of being a family man softness you up like DQ soft serve. For 55-year-old Thornton (Thorin) tough guy, Tony Martinez, that day came when his 19 year old daughter, Destiny Martinez gave birth to a baby girl.

Friends and family of the once local ruffian, Tony Martinez are saddened by their friends sudden softer, sappy side.
"Pssh, It's just terrible and painful to watch ya know. I once saw Tony beat the crap out of two guys outside the Tap Inn and now that same guy is changing his granddaughter's diapers?!" said Martinez' longtime buddy, 54-year-old Manuel Lopez, adding "Tsss, I member when we use-ta run around in the Northside, partying at the Keg and the Blue Corn. Chhh, Tony didn't take shit from no one bud, but that was back-in-the-day!" Lopez is not alone in grieving for their now over-sentimental friend, Martinez' 36-year-old nephew Jerry Alvarez is quite taken back by his uncles turning over a new leaf. "Chhh, I use-ta look up to my uncle Tony, He gave me my first bud Light and bought me my first lap dance at Cheerleaders! He always had my back when foo's would talk their shit!" said a visibly upset Alvarez, adding "Ever since Destiny's man got her all-pregnant, my uncle hasn't been going to Dandy Dan's Thirsty Thursdays with us after work! I called him last Thursday and he was building a doll house for Destiny's baby! Chhh, and to boot we were all postoo (supposed to) go to Sturgis this year but my aunty Irma is telling me that uncle is thinking about selling his Harley? What the f#@k?!" According to Alvarez, Martinez is half the man he used to be simply because Martinez refuses to frequent the local bars, and prefers family Sunday Funday over riding the hog with his middle-aged Chicano buddies.

Though the days of puffing out his chest at the local bars and stumbling drunk into Chubby's at 3am are behind him, some near and dear to Mr. Martinez praise his new attitude toward life. "Ya know, I am proud of Anthony! My hito had a hard upbringing and wasn't given the chances others had to succeed in life. He wasn't born with a silver spoon in his mouth, but he managed to be a successful company man, husband, dad and grandfather." said Martinez' 72-year-old Uncle, Ernie Martinez, adding "I only wish Anthony would make that dead beat boyfriend of my hita's get a job! Chhh, what a lazy piece of shit that guy is!" Ernie is referring to Destiny's live in boyfriend and father of their child, Leonard Gallegos. Leonard moved in with Tony and his family after Destiny had her baby. "Tsss, Destiny needs to quit sticking up for that p#$$y! She gets all-mad at uncle when he tries to tell Leonard's lazy ass to get a job. Tsss, kick both their asses out the house!" Martinez' frustrated nephew Alvarez chimed in as the Danvur Daylee was interviewing Ernie. "Cálmate me hito, I know you're frustrated but your uncle can't kick out Destiny and Leonard, who's gonna watch the baby?" said Ernie. "Tsss, aunty Irma is the one who watches the baby while Destiny and Leonard go out and party every night!" shouted Alvarez, adding "Shit, ten years ago my uncle Tony would've beat down Leonard, instead he lets that puto sleep in and eat all the groceries!"

Before ending our interview, the Danvur Daylee caught up with Tony Martinez' Daughter, Destiny Martinez. "I love my daddy, he's much more calm these days. After I had the baby my dad stepped up and supported me and Leonard." said Destiny, adding "I know people talk shit because Leonard's not working, but they need to get a life!" Danvur Daylee made an attempt to get an interview with Leonard, but Destiny hasn't seen Leonard in two days. Danvur Daylee asked Destiny about Leonard's whereabouts. "Oh, he's at his ex girlfriends house." said Destiny, adding "Oh, but he doesn't love her anymore, he's just visiting his other baby and telling his ex to leave us alone."

Police: Man Harassed at Local Restaurant for referring to the Northside as the Highlands

DENVER, CO--Police say the incident happened on Friday afternoon at LeChuga's Italian restaurant, located on the 35th block of Tejon.

After overhearing a couples conversation, three men approached a man and woman's table threatening to harm the man if he refers to the North Denver area as the Highlands again.

38-year-old Manny Esquibel of Denver, as well as 42-year-old Frank Mazzotti and 36-year-old Danny Martinez of Commerce City, were charged with aggravated assault resulting in a bloody nose.

Authorities say Kyle Gross and Sarah McGuire of Potter Highlands were having lunch when three men walked up to their table uninvited."Well, Sarah and I were enjoying our meal when out of nowhere three guys approached our table and started cursing and swearing?!" said Kyle, who stated that Esquibel, Mazzotti and Martinez were being rude and threatening him.
"These guys were yelling, this is Norside or something to that effect...I don't even know what Norside means? It wasn't until Sarah explained to me that the guys were actually saying NORTHSIDE, that I feared for my safety!"

Danvur Daylee caught up with first responder, Officer Pat Gutierrez. "Mr. Gross moved into the Highland area during the neighborhood gentrification boom. Having watched the neighborhood flourish and grow steadily with increasing revenue, Mr. Gross is well aware of the animosity people of the old neighborhood have for new home owners like himself." said Officer Gutierrez, adding, "The vast majority of people from the old North Denver neighborhood are frustrated by the revitalization of their old neighborhood. I don't understand this frustration because half the people who are upset have moved out to Thornton and other surrounding areas."

Since the late 90's, North Denver has seen a resurgence in development with neighborhoods flourishing during the economic downturn. "I mean really, these guys are going to get upset because their once decaying hood now has $1 million dollar homes being built?! I just don't get it?" Kyle Gross told the Danvur Daylee, adding, "Heck, my business partner and I have scraped little Victorian shacks into beautiful modern flats!" "See, that's the problem you stooopid, yous guys are taking away the history of the neighborhood! you're lucky I am handcuffed or else I'd go over there and beat your @$$, puto!" Esquibel said. "better watch your back!"

The Irony of this whole debacle is that it took place in one of North Denver's last standing original restaurants, LeChuga's. "Man, I would've just ignored his ass, but saying the Highlands in one of the Northsides last standing treasures got me ALL-pissed!" said Martinez, adding, "Tsss, they tore down Subways, Pagliacci's, Carbone's and now they are selling LeChuga's?! Things are not the same anymore, F@ck the Highlands awwwReady!"

Denver Man torn between the two North Danvur Fast Food Juggernauts

DENVER—According to local reports issued Saturday by 30-year-old Denver City resident Bernadette Manzanarez, her man's all-fuckin' tired of trying to decide the best spot to buy his breakfast burritos. Fuck, the report stated, "He should just pick one place already, and stick with it!" said Bernadette Reports went on saying the previous Friday morning, Bernadette's commmon law husband, Tony Candelaria sat in his car at the Original Chubby's parking lot for roughly twenty minutes smoking what looked to be a Marijuana cigarette,"Tssss, I was all-stressed-out and had a hard time deciding where to get my next burrito. So to relax I sparked a lil pinner my uncle left in my ashtray the night before."

On Thursday night Tony and his uncle, Ron Ortega, enjoyed a night of drinking downtown at the local taverns while, watching a Colorado Rockies game. The next morning evidence of leftover Bubba Chino's adorned the floor of Tony's 2001 Honda Civic. "Since we were downtown we stopped at Bubba Chino's to get me a smothered because Chubby's was outta the way bud!" said Tony's Uncle Ron, adding, "My poor hito (Tony) was too buzzed to drive me to get my Chubby's fix so we just bought a Bubba Chino's! When you're buzzed it all taste the same, ya know?!"

Visibly upset, Tony Candelaria's live-in girlfriend of ten years, Bernadette Manzanarez gave Danvur.com her side of the story. "Obviously they (Tony & Ron) were under the influence of alcohol and not in the right state of mind!" said Bernadette, who happens to prefer the Original Chubby's restaurant, adding, "The take-out containers on the floor of Tony's car were Styrofoam, and not the two stapled Chinet plates Chubby's is known to carry. So I knew right there that Tony was lying about bringing me home a Chubby's after the bar. I should have known better when he served me my smothered fries on one of our plates from home...it even tasted all-different! Chhh, I was all-bummed-out!"

"I didn't think she (Bernadette) could tell the difference bud?!" said an emotional Tony, adding, "It was late! Tsss, at least I picked something up?!" Candelaria continued, "She should have at least thanked me because that fry was expensive! Chhh, Next time that b#$%h will be lucky if I bring that ass a Taco Bell! Wazeout, don't write that please..."

Stating how important it is to them, Danvurians admitted it would be somewhat difficult to completely tear themselves away from the teat(s) that are Chubby's and Bubba Chino's. Ron Ortega Continued, "Chhh, next time me and my hito are buzzed, I'll just tell him to take the side roads and avoid the cops. this way we can get our Chubby's, eat it in the parking lot, sober up, spark a jay and drive home safe."

Danvurians make it short and sweet!

The Danvurian is a person of few words. Should you choose to have a conversation with a Danvurian, you will understand what I am talking about. As I stated before, Danvurians are masters of using home-spun jargon. Using slang, the Danvurian will take somewhat complex subjects and boil them down to a few words. For instance a Danvurian watching a 2 hour segment on a current event; not only do they become the expert, but they can explain what they just watched with very few words. Below are some examples of short and to the point responses from fellow Danvurians.

EXAMPLE #1 - Being asked if they enjoyed their meal.

Average Person: "The food here is amazing! the whipped garlic red potatoes with the white butter reduction sauce was scrumptious to say the least! not to mention the ambiance and use of lighting in this establishment."

Danvurian: "They have bomb grub!"

Average Person: "can you elaborate on that please?"

Danvurian: Ok, they have Bomb-Bomb grub!"

EXAMPLE #2 - Responding to bad weather conditions posted by the local news.

Average Person: "Wow, with these sub-zero temps and horrid road conditions, CDOT will most likely need extra trucks to spray magnesium chloride for the morning commuters?"

Danvurian: "it's ALL-cold and slippery huh!"

EXAMPLE #3 - Being asked to do something out of your comfort zone.

Average Person: "I would never entertain the idea of commiting such an act?! I am appalled that you even had the audacity to ask me to do such a thing?"

Danvurian: "tss, fuck-Dat!"

EXAMPLE #4 - Asking what type of beer they want from the bar.

Average Person: "Yes, may I please see your craft beer menu? What IPA's, Aecht Schlenkerla Rauchbier, Pilsner beers do you carry?"

Danvurian: "Budlight! oh and a set-up!"

EXAMPLE #4 - Asking to meet up with you for dinner.

Average Person: "What are you in the mood for; Thai, India, sushi? I know a great sushi place tucked away in the Potter Highlands. It's a speak easy place my friend just opened. There's also a great bistro up the street. their PEI mussels are to die for!"

Danvurian: "Where yous wanna eat at?!"

EXAMPLE #5 - Telling them they are a cruel person.

Average Person: "Goodness, I had no idea you thought of me in that way. I apologize if I took your situation so lightly. I value your friendship and hate to lose such a great friend and confidant. However I feel you should also take responsibility for your own actions."

Danvurian: "What-Evz!"

EXAMPLE #5 - They respond to a negative comment.

Average Person: "Excuse me, but that comment was very rude and inappropriate! How can you say such a thing to me when all I do is value your opinion and think the world of you?!"

Danvurian: "UGH, I'll mamber you!"

the new Danvur Facebook App

here's a new app for facebook! it allows danvur people to "check-in" to their favorite places!

The Danvur Daylee - Denver Woman Takes Credit for Restaurant Bought Tamales

THORNTON, CO--The moment she walked into her family's annual Christmas gathering, Law office receptionist Irma Hernandez took credit for making tamales she had bought from a local restaurant.

"She walked in tellin' everyone that she made them tamales?! PSSh, I knew she didn't make them and I was trying to tell my auntie Rose that Irma's lying her ass off!" said a disgusted Alyssa Garcia, Irma's second cousin, adding, "Ugh, she always tries to brag about shit that isn't even true, she's got me ALL pissed!" Alyssa walks away to collect herself and turns to her aunt Rose for comfort, "Aye yi yi, I told my hita not to worry about it and that god will punish Irma for lying about her tamales! my god doesn't like liars!" Aunt Rose told Danvur Daylee in response to Alyssa's tirade. According to Rose, Irma and Alyssa have always been in competition with each other. "Alyssa's just a sad individual who blames everyone but herself for her problems." says a jovial Irma. "F*** that bitch, she acts like her shit doesn't stink!" a visibily upset Alyssa told the Danvur Daylee.

The night started off on the wrong foot with the trivial bickering and auntie Rose getting in the middle of it all. The men of the house however were very happy, "Eee, my hita, Irma makes the best tamles! mmm, mm!" said a jolly uncle Phil as he took another bite into his savory red chile tamale Irma had served him, adding, "Boy, hita you got the magic touch! Alyssa should take lessons! mmm!" Alyssa became livid when she heard her nino Phil express his love for Irma's stored bought tamales."I stayed up all night trying to make masa like my gram'aw (grandma) taught me and this bitch comes in acting like she made her own tamales!" said a frustrated Alysa, adding, "I should just go over to my nino Phil and tell him Irma's a lying bitch cause that's what's UP!"Seeing that Alyssa is visibly upset, auntie Rose comforts Alyssa, "Aye, no, no hita just let it go, sabes que that's just the way Irma is!" explained aunt Rose. "Eh, my wife is just as bad, always getting involved in other peoples business!" said Juan, Roses husband, noting that he constantly has to remind his wife Rose to keep out of family drama. "If you ask me, Rosie just fuels the fire, ya know!" said Juan as he took a bite of his tamale.

Content with the rave reviews she got for her tamales, Irma walks over to the potluck table to check on the food. Irma notices that aunt Anna is serving up the plates of food. "aren't you gonna make you a plate hita?" said Anna, to which Irma replied, "yeah, in a minute auntie. TSS, looks like my tamales are a hit huh auntie? mine are almost gone and Alyssa's still has like three dozen left? oh well guess she'll have a lot of leftovers." said Irma. "Eee, you're too much girl." said aunt Anna, adding, "oh-yeah how did you make your masa hita? Do you use chicken stalk or lard?" caught off guard Irma replies "Eh, I used chicken stalk like gram'aw use to..."Irma replied sheepishly. "chicken que?! your grandma used lard baby." said Anna. "oh yeah, I used lard." said Irma.

The Danvur Daylee - Danvurian & LoHian learn to co-exist.

For the past decade, Rudy Apodaca has been slowly growing frustrated with the reconstruction and gentrification of his neighborhood. "I've lived off uh 32nd & Meade for the past 30 years and man, things have really changed!" Rudy is referring to the ever changing community of the Northwest Denver area. Northwest Denver once known too many as the "Northside" has gone through a lot of changes since Rudy first moved into the area. Over the past decade the Northside name has changed back to its original name from the the late 1800s; "The Highlands". "Chhh, to me, it will always be the NorSide bro (danvurians pronounce Northside without the 'th'.)!" Another significant change has been a complete gentrification of homes and small businesses that made up the old Northside. "I dunno, I do like to walk to the corner to get my morning coffee instead of seeing old broken down neighborhood bars filled with people at 9am?! shoot, back in the day, none of these nice shops were around. Just abandoned buildings tagged up wit graffiti and all kinds uh bullshit!" said Rudy to the Danvur Daily, adding "Oh looky it's my new neighbor, Chad, pulling up in his Subaru." "Hey-ya Rudy how goes it?" said Chad "Eh I am doin' good. I have the Danvur Daily interviewing me about the changes the Northside has gone through over the past decade." said Rudy. "Oh yeah, this used to be the hood, isn't that right Rudy? haha!" said Chad to the Danvur Daily, adding "Hi my name is Chad Van Camp, I live in the flat next door to Rudy here." Chad is an independant contractor who fixes and flips homes. Chad specializes in the North Denver area. "Yeah, it's kinda a hobby of mine. I just love all the culture in this neighborhood. We like to keep things local and only buy fair trade to preserve the integrity of our neighborhood." said Chad. "Yeah, Chad here makes his own beer outta his basement. I've tried it but I will stick to my Budlight with a set up." said Rudy. "Yes sir, ol' Rudy here was lucky enough to try a fresh batch of my new micro beer: Horn's tooth Bock Bing Cherry Ale. haha, it's not your typical domestic beer isn't that right Rudy. We are currently looking for distributors who will pick up our beer." said Chad.

As the interview continued, I noticed the look on Rudy's face changed. Rudy seemed to grow irritated by Chad's forced smile and passive demeanor. Suddenly the interview was all about Chad and his accomplishments. "Oh, did I mention we supply the majority of the neighborhood bistro's with our very own, home grown micro greens?" said Chad, adding "We grow them in a green house, atop my converted flat. I think it's great that some of the top restaurants in town keep it local by buying from us." Chad boasted. "Eh, ok, I think we get the point Chad." shouted a frustrated Rudy, adding "Hey, think you can go so's I can finish up this interview?" "Rudy, I assure you the man does not want to hear about how this was the old hood and that people like me ruined it!" said Chad, adding "You know something, people like you don't accept change very well. If anything people like me have resurrected this neighborhood back to a strong community!" said Chad. "People like you?!!" shouted Rudy. "I tell you what I think about people like you! Yous are a bunch of greedy little assholes who come in and take over tight knit communities and destroy it's cultures and history for what? to put in a stoopid organic ice cream shop?!" said Rudy. "What history?" said Chad, adding "If you call a unhealthy, fast food mexican restaurant culture and history than y....."

The Danvur Daily had to cut this interview short. I guess Danvurians and LoHians still have some things to straighten out before they can co-exist in the same neighborhood.

The Danvur Daylee - Pop or soda? Fight breaks out after argument over fountain drink name

DENVER, CO--Denver PD was called to a local Taco Bell restaurant after a fist fight broke out Wednesday evening. "We received the call just a little after 7pm. The caller described two males in their early to mid 30's, engaging in a verbal confrontation over the proper way to reference a fountain drink." said officer Hicks, adding, "When officer Calhoun and I arrived at the scene the verbal confrontation between the two assailants escalated into a physical altercation." "damn it was nutty bro!" said Eloy Gallegos, who was one of many customers that had witnessed the altercation. "Yay, the dude in front of me ordered a pop and the guy behind the register told him; you mean a soda sir? and the dude in front of me said no a pop and then the foo behind the register said what's a pop? next thing I know them fooz were throwing chingasos! man it was crazy-sick!" said Gallegos. One onlooker managed to record the entire spectacle on his phone. "yay, think I'll upload this shit to YouTube. notch, I'll get like thousands of hits bro!" said the onlooker.

Danvur Daylee was able to get an interview with one of the assailants, Taco bell cashier, mike Henderson. "I really don't know what got into the guy?!" said Henderson, adding, "The guy ordered a soda but called it a pop? I just moved here from California and have no idea what a pop is?" The other assailant, 39 year old Fabian Del Real was able to give the Danvur Daylee a little more insight into the situation. "Tssss, that puss knew what I was talking about! Chhh, who doesn't know what pop means man?!" said Del Real. "I ordered a pop and that foo looked at me All-weird, like I was stoopid er something! so I said; A POP STOOPID don't yous know what a pop is?!" said Del Real, adding "So he told me to stop yallin' so I told him to quit acting stoopid and then we went at it!"

The Denver Police were able to control the situation after a little pepper spray and hand cuffing the assailants. "Our lives were in danger, not just ours but the entire restaurant!" said officer Hicks. "We are just glad we were able to resolve this situation without any further reinforcements." Danvur Daylee also caught up with Officer Calhoun as he was assisting the assailants to the squad car for further questioning. "I am happy with the outcome. Officer Hicks and I were able to resolve this minor situation in less than 20 minutes, just in time for our evening break. hey Hicks what kind of pop would you like with your combo meal?" said Calhoun. "Pop? what's a pop?!" Hicks said in reference to his partners question.

The Danvur Daylee - Area Man sets up small protest in front of the old Ron & Dan's Keg Building

DENVER, 3800 block of Shoshone--53 year old Rick Mondragon was born & raised in the northwest part of Denver, now known to many as The Highlands. "Shits changed around here. ya know this is where I grew up and ran around with my partners. it was a place I called home, now I can't even afford to live here?!" says Mondragon, adding "I can't even get good food here anymore. thank the lord LeChuga's and Subway's are still around!"

Mondragon now lives in a one bedroom apartment in Thornton, CO. "Chhh, everyone I know had to move to thor-in cause all these out of towers started taking over our neighborhood." said Mondragon referring to the recent gentrification of the Highlands...I mean Northside. "This is the northside brotha, you know!?" said Mondragon, adding "this is why I stand here, on the corner with this sign, at my favorite old watering hole!" The "Watering Hole" Mondragon is referring to is the old Ron & Dan's Keg which used to stand on the corner of 38th ave & Shoshone. The Keg is now a sophisticated eatery. "I hold this sign proud!" The sign to which Mondragon is referring to reads: "F%$& all yous rich brats this is the Keg! Northside forever!" "Yeah, I know this sign say's F%$& and I dont care!" says Mondragon as he takes a sip from a container wrapped up in a brown paper bag. "But my son Anthony added the Northside forever part! haha, bless his heart!" said Mondragon.

As The Danvur Daylee continued to conduct this interview, a customer notices Mondragon's demonstration. "Hey, why don't you and your vulgar sign leave the premises! You people need to get a life!" said the customer who asked we do not use his name because the fear of retribution. "hey F$%* yous guys, this is a free country. I maybe older but I'll still kick your little chicken ass buddy!" says Mondragon to the customer. "oh, figures you would resort to violence you barbarian you!"

After this interview Mr. Mondragon was taken into custody and charged with aggravated assault. The customer was rushed to Lutheran Hospital by his request because he referred to Denver General as "disgusting!"

The Danvur Daylee - Distraught Raider Fan Found nude and shaken up near a Denny's Dumpster

DENVER, CO--At approximately 5:15 AM, Denver Police discovered a nude man wondering around the dumpster in a Denny's parking lot located at 1600 block of Nw Federal Blvd. "We received a frantic 911 call at 4:58 AM from a Denny's employee who described a naked distraught male, in his late to early 30's, sitting by the dumpster, in a fetal position." said Denver Police officer Mahoney. Officer Mahoney was the first responding officer to the scene and he was quite taken back by what he saw. "The guy was mumbling about wanting his mom and a blanket because he was cold." said Mahoney, adding "As I approached the distraught male, I noticed what appeared to be orange spray paint covering his lower extremities. The victim also had an orange parking cone protruding out of his posterior."

Danvur Daylee interviewed the 911 caller, Joey De La Cruze. "Tsss, it was crazy-crazy! I went outside to take out the trash and I saw this foo...i mean guy was hiding behind the dumpster. he looked all-scared & stuff. So I asked him what the F#%%& he was doing in the parking lot all-naked, with a parking cone in his ass...oops my bad can we say that!? Pshh, I couldn't even understand him because he was crying! I was like--stop crying like a baby foo!" The distraught man was given a blanket and taken to a near by hospital to check for any further injuries. "A fellow officer and myself made several attempts at getting some information as to what happened to the male victim in question. The only coherent response we got from him was...This is Bronco Country and I want to go home!" said officer Mahoney.

If anyone has any information leading to the apprehension of the suspects responsible for this crime, don't call, don't write because you will be next!

The Danvur Daylee - Danvur Chicanos reach record breaking numbers at free Boys II Men concert.

DENVER, TASTE OF COLORADO--"We definitely had our hands full Monday night. People were elbow to elbow!" said Denver Police Departments, Sgt. Tackleberry in regards to the the Chicano population, during the Taste of Colorado's Boy II Men concert. "It was a very stressful situation trying to get to the Turkey Leg condiments." said a Denver resident--who asked they remain anonymous. "They were very rude in line. one fellow with what looked to be plucked eyebrows, wearing a tilted ball cap shouted: Hey Bud, you're gonna have to wait! quit trying to BUD, I'm gettin' my grub on that's what's up!!! So I just turned around and walked the other way. I had to eat my turkey leg without hot sauce and napkin!" Sgt. Tackleberry told the Danvur Daylee that for the most part it was a very peaceful night on Monday. "Everyone was having a good time but I noticed some people left the concert early." said Sgt. Tackleberry "Most of the people leaving the Boys II Men concert walked to the other stage -- Where a Bluegrass band was playing, located south of the main stage." added Sgt. Tackleberry. One observer noticed that many of the Chicanos in attendance knew each other. "It was amazing!? everyone seemed to be related or a cousin of some sort." said an onlooker, adding "I accidentally bumped lightly into fellow in front of me and the fellow next to him shouted: Why you starting s#$% with my cousin bud?! I was a lost for words and explained to the gentleman that I was in no way looking for trouble, to which he replied, that's what I thought bud!"

The Danvur Daylee - Danvur teen grounded for eating Santiago's instead of Chubby's

THORNTON, CO--Local teen Eric Lucero, who reports indicate will be spending the next two weeks in his room without video games or television, opted for an Indian Taco instead of a Beef and Bean Special. "I was All-hungry!" said Lucero, 18, adding "It would've taken me a grip to get to Chubby's!" Lucero was actually one bus and a transfer away from the mouth watering Original Chubby's located on the corner of 38th and Lipan, in Denver but instead settled for a Santiago's. "Tsss, he knows best! CanEven believe my son would do that, CHUBBY'S 4 LIFE!" say's Manny Lucero, Erics father. "Oh yes, I've seen him get a BBC from La Casita and Gomez burritos, he shouldn't EVEN be talking s#$%!" Eric said of his father Manny's disloyalty to Chubby's . "Notch Omina (now watch, I am going to) sneak out tonight and go out with the fellahz!" said Eric, adding, "and ju know what? they have Bubba Chino burritos for sale inside the club. I am gonna get one for me and all my homies! we're gonna get our grub on and I don't even care BuD!!"

The Danvur Daylee - Danvur native sues Twitter for stealing name Idea!

DENVER, CO--visibly upset, agitated and "ALL-pissed," 29 year old Bernard Villalpando reportedly is trying to sue the social networking and microblogging king, twitter. Villalpando accuses the media giant for blatantly stealing the name "Twitter" from him back in 2006 as Villalpando was posting in an online forum. "CanEven believe they copied my idea! Twitter is goin' down! THAT'S WHAT'S UP!" says an angry Villalpando. Back in late 2006, Villalpando was chatting online at the local Denver Public Library and responded to a chat from a user going by the name of; jjdorsey00. "I was late and postoo meet my probation officer. i started to book from the liberry and i sawl his post." The post in question was from jjdorsey00 and addressed to Villalpando. The post read: "Happy Friday BVillapando69! hope u r as excited as I am 4 the wknd!" to which Villalpando responded: "Oh yes bud, don't get ALL-twittered!" "My Client's intellectual property was violated and we will not hesitate to prosecute to the fullest!" says Villalpando's attorney, Jerry Padilla.

Chonch or Choncho

It is a known fact Danvurians love to create their own language. In past posts we've learned a lot about the Danvurians life style and mannerisms. But the queen Marry of all things Danvur is the ability to create their own lingo.

In the mid to late 80's the word "Chonch" hit the Danvur scene like wild fire. Like crack hitting Danvur in the mid 90's - Chonch was a hot commodity. In Danvur little is known about the true meaning of the word "Chonch". To Danvurians, Chonch has a variety of meanings. In the era of Oak Tree and Dwayne Wayne flip-up glasses, Danvurians utilized Chonch in many ways; slammin' you in public (another word for being cowardly), an alternate name for a male or female's genital area, and a derogatory word for intercourse. Danvurians used every opportunity to belt out the six letter noun (sometimes used as a verb for the advanced Danvurian) whenever they were in company of friends or other fellow Danvurians.

Here are some great examples of the word "Chonch":

"Psssh, damn bud! Why do you have to be such a Chonch!"

(grabbing his crotch) "Hey! lick my chonch!"

In some cases the Danvurian would add an "o" to the end of the word "Chonch".
Example; "UH, what up Choncho?!"

Today the word Chonch is rarely, if ever used by Danvurians. Like naming your daughter beverly, Chonch is seldomly used in a public forum. Most of the Danvurians who abused the word have grown up and become parents, some even grandparents. Flashing back to when a chic's hair was higher in front (not in the back using a "Bump It") and a fool sported a vent brush in his back pocket, Chonch was the mother of all derogatory words used by the Danvurian. Like the old sayin'; "Hey, don't be a Chonch and bring the word "Chonch" back to Danvur.

Deflate Before Speaking!

Danvurians have a rare way of communicating with their peers. Through this blog we have explored the various sounds and words the Danvurian creates as a part of their communication skills. However, one of the most important sounds a Danvurian uses in everyday speech is created by a string of consonants that contain no vowels. Tsss, Phsss, Psssss, Chhh are syllable-less sounds and have to be the single most important utterances created by the Danvurian.

Before the Danvurian can actually articulate a sentence, this form of Onomatopoeia is used as an opening to the Danvurians long drawn out opinion. Don't be mistaken, each grouping of words have their own purpose and are used to express the Danvurian's feelings. I call this form of speech "Deflating". The various or typical sounds that make-up Deflating are as follows: Tssss, Psssh, Pssss, Chhh, and finally Phsss. The Danvurian uses these sounds selectively, and to reflect their current state of mind.

Here are some prime examples of Deflating:

PSSH
You: "Hey, that Bronco game was horrible. I can't believe our offense sometimes."

Danvurian: "PSSSSH! I KNOW BUUD! THAT SHIT WAS ALL-WEAK! PSSSH, DAMN IT!"
*( Notice: the Danvurians selection of the Deflating sound "Pssh". The use of "Psssh" usually indicates the Danvurian to be upset or frustrated.)

TSSS
You: "Wow, did you see the body on that chic?!"

Danvurian: "TSSSSS, HELL YEAH! SHE'S ALL-FINE! AWE-MEN-UH (I am going to) PULL HER DIGITS BUUD!"
*( Notice: the use of "Tsss" usually indicates agreement.)

CHHH
You: "You know, that guy is really polite and honest."

Danvurian: "CHHH, OH YES! HE'S JUST PUTTING UP A FRONT BRO! HE'S ALL-SHADEY!"
*( Notice: the use of "Chhh" usually indicates envy or jealousy)

PHSS
You: "Hey uncle check out the new rims on my ride!"

Danvurian: "PHSSSSSSSS!"
*( Notice: the use of "Phsss" is complex. In this example the Danvurian uses "Phsss" as a way of showing happiness for his nephew. In this situation, the Danvurian could have very well been proud of his nephew but "Phss" also comes in handy when the Danvurian is not paying attention. For instance, if the uncle was busy doing something when his nephew approached him, by using "Psss" the uncle can still convey his excitement to his nephew without having to really know what's going on. )

"Phss" can also be used as a sound for landing a fast blow to the face during a round of slap boxing. Slap boxing is a universal activity used by the Danvurian to show dominance. Slap boxing is usually only reserved for aggresive male Danvurians.

Example:

Danvurian: "Ha, jab: Phss...phss...phss! Ooo got you fool! Uh-oh, combo: Phss-phss-phss-phss!

You: "Ok, ok! enough!"

Danvurian: "Tssss, it's what I thought!"

EEEE
The use of "Eeeeee" is a different expression and is usually reserved for Danvurian women. Middle aged, Danvurian women make up the vast majority of Danvurians who use the sound "Eeeee" before articulating a complete sentence. Notice "Eee" is a form of Onomatopoeia but contains the "E" vowel sound. Again "Eeee" has many different interpretations and can be used to express surprise, disgust and excitement. Here are some examples of "Eee".

You: "Hey grandma, did you see how rude that guy was?!"

Grams: "Eeee, I know hito. the nerve of him huh!"

You: "Hey Grandma, I just got my full-ride scholarship to any school of my choice!"

Grams: "Eeeeeeeee! that's great hito! I am so proud of you!"
*(Notice: When genuinely excited, the female Danvurian tends to stretch the "Eee" sound out a bit.)

If you ever find yourself talking with a Danvurian, and want to know their current emotional state, start by deciphering their Deflating consonants before you choose to retort. You must recognize the various sounds of Deflating to deliver the appropriate response. Remember choosing the wrong words can get you in trouble, maybe even a trip to the ER.

Broncos loss causes Monday hangover for the Danvurian

The Broncos, Denver hero's with the power to alter the Danvurians day for better or for worse. Between the months of September and January the Broncos are the puppet masters and the Danvurians are the marionettes. Whether the Danvurians Monday is happy and full of promise or crappy like the morning after a night of booze drinking and cocaine, all depends on the outcome of the Bronco game the day before.

In this four month period of Broncomania, Friday is the most promising day of all. Danvurians are on top of the world, strolling into the office Friday morning, clad in their favorite Bronco attire: some sporting their #30 Terrell Davis Jersey, the old school fans with an Orange Crush, Randy Gradishar throw-back, and let us not forget the lovely blue haired receptionist with the dangling bronco helmet earrings. All is great in Bronco land on Friday, not even the office's token Raider fan, who goes out of his way to rank on the Broncos can burst the Danvurians bubble on this crisp Autumn morning. With the Bronco jersey working like a kevlar vest, the Danvurian feels they can take on the work day and anything else coming their way Friday. And when the work day is over it's off to happy hour for a little pre-game celebration. The Danvurian is such the loyal fan, their celebration spans a whole three days in anticipation of Bronco Sunday. But all of this cheer and blissful celebration can come to a screeching halt when the Broncos lose.

It's not whether the Broncos win or lose, it's how they lose that gives the avid Broncos fan an ulcer. For years the Broncos have a way of making stupid mistakes in games. This is a proven fact and any true Bronco fan can vouch for me. Yes, there has been times when the Broncos lose and the Danvurian is still happy because their team put up a valiant effort. But most of the time the Broncos have their fans scratching their heads post game, trying to figure out how a team can screw up in such donkey (a nickname created by Bronco haters) fashion. For years the Broncos have been the proverbial welcome mat to opposing team records. Shit, a running backs shoes have made it to Canton because the Broncos allowed most yards rushed in a game, by a single player! Don't get me started on the plethora of record breaking plays against Denver in Super Bowl appearances because we would be here all night.

In the late 1990's, the Danvurians were finally vindicated when Elway and the boys won back-to-back Super Bowls. Bronco fans were dancing in the streets and crying tears of joy because they're beloved Bronco's finally got the respect they felt were cheated out of all these years. Elway was held to Deity status and praised by all Danvurians as the most beloved player in Bronco history. To this day Elway shares the spotlight with fellow patron saint of Danvur, Carlos Santana. When Elway finally retired on top, and the Broncos had two Super Bowl trophies under their belt, Danvurians believed the worst was behind them and their beloved Broncos would no longer be the NFL's laughing stock.

With a new Coaching staff, Quarterback and players, the Broncos are still the Rodney Dangerfields of the NFL, they just get "No Respect". Through all this turmoil the Danvurian still stands by their team like a nice obedient Stepford Wife. Danvurians need the Broncos, for crying out-loud when the sun sets, and the sky turns a brilliant shade of orange, the Danvurians swear it's because god loves the Broncos. With that kind of unconditional love, Danvurians are the best fans a team can have.

Old Skool Danvurism - Spandex

Denver, Colorado, the summer of 1988; Keith Sweat and Bobby Brown topped the R&B charts, Roller City with their “All nighters” was the place to be, and wearing Spandex as a part of your everyday attire was the norm.

In Danvur, Spandex became a phenomenon in the late 80’s and tapered off in the early 90’s. The Grunge era was responsible for the fazing out of the synthetic fiber bike shorts and their exceptional elasticity. Every young Danvurian participated in the Lycra (Spandex) craze which swept through Denver like a Kansas City dust storm.

Poofer-Chics (female Danvurians with a taste for High Hair Dos and Aqua Net) were probably responsible for 80% of the Spandex being purchased in Denver between the years 1987-1989. During this time Lycra (Spandex) stocks were sky rocketing due to a quick surge in Spandex sales. If you lived in Danvur (or surrounding areas like “Thortin” and “Waastminister”) and you loved dance music, then most likely you’re guilty of busting a pair of “Dex”. I can just see it now; “Oh Sheela”, by Ready for the World blaring at a school social. In the middle of the dance floor is a group of Poofer Chics wearing matching cow patterned Spandex, and dancing the Robo Cop/Roger Rabbit. Ah the good ol' days of Aqua Net, R&B tapes, Hicky Neclaces, over sized IOU sweaters and Spandex are still fresh in my mind. But Poofer Chics alone were not the only Danvurians making up a huge percentage of Spandex sales. The guys were guilty and also participants in this memorable moment in Danvurian pop culture. That’s right the dudes were putting on the “Dex” and beaters (Hanes white, ribbed tank top). This made for an interesting and “creative” way for carrying their vent brush and Velcro wallets.

But the Pièce de résistance had to be the matching Spandex couple! In high school, everyone knew the popular Danvur couple with their matching high hair dos and Lycra Bike Shorts. This couple could almost always be spotted walking a breast up and down the school halls, during class time. I often wondered how this elusive couple had managed to not get pinched by school security. I am convinced this couple had a year supply of hall pass slips.

“Damn! She’s All-fine in her wicked ol’ spandex, huh!”
- Danvurian circa 1988

Chubbz!

Ok, I finally summoned the courage to write a post about the infamous, Original Chubby's Restaurant, located in Denver, CO. Keep in mind this is not an easy task and must be handled with a kid-glove approach. I don't need the stress of an irate Danvurian knocking down my front door because I upset the masses.

Original Chubby's Restaurant is something ALL Danvurians alike can agree on. Whether your an Uppity-Chicano trying to show your Caucasian colleague the beauty of a smothered fry, or maybe you're a city worker who takes four lunch breaks in a single day. To the Danvurian, Chubby's is everything they want: Ridiculously hot, green chile, large portions, smothered, and it's perfect for those nights of heavy drinking.

For a Danvurian going to Chubby's is almost like going to church, it happens at least one to two times a week. For some Danvurians, the slightest peep of the word "Chubby's" will have them salivating like a Pavlov dog and going through withdrawals. Dating back to the late 60's, Chubby's has been "Danvur's" fast food of choice and remains a staple of the Danvurian diet. Thousands upon thousands of smothered fries and bean specials are being consumed by Danvurians each year. Slews of people line up, order and take a number in wait of the spicy, mouth-watering goodness that is Chubby's. Though there are a number of different meats and ingredients that make up the Chubby's menu, the cheese and the green chile remain the two most crucial ingredients in the entire Chubby's arsenal.

Chubby's green chile is very hot with a thick gravy consistency. I say green but the chile has more of an orangish hue to it and contains a lot of Chile Piquin and Jalapenos to give it that extra kick. Depending on who's cooking, or what time of day you go to Chubby's, the chile can be just right or it can burn the crap out of your taste buds. If you are looking for a five alarm type chile I suggest you go in at 2:00 am (during the drunken club-goer hours). For some reason 2:00 am, on the weekend happens to be when Chubby's makes the hottest chile. Sometimes the chile is so hot I find myself finishing my Double Big Gulp before I can make it half way through my smothered fries.

The cheese is the main ingredient, and quite frankly I think they put crack in the cheese because it's so addicting. Keep in mind this cheese is no Gorgonzola Dulce or Parmigiano Reggiano, it's a smooth hybrid of Velteeta aged Wisconsin cheddar and good'ol gov'mnt cheese. No matter what cheese snobs may say, the velvety texture of Chubby's cheddar is about as creamy as you can get! I am serious! As a customer I love looking into the order window, leading into the kitchen to watch the cooks sprinkle the shredded Chubby's cheddar on my plate. The sprinkling of the cheese is one of the final touches to a masterpiece, followed by the stapling of the two Chinet plates. That's right an extra Chinet plate on top forms the ingenious container design, created by Chubby's. Once the top Chinet plate is in place, The cheese almost instantly melts into the chile creating a nacho type chile/cheese sauce!

Danvurians can't get enough of Chubby's, it's like heroin. Any self respected Danvurian knows the way to a Danvurians heart is through their stomachs, and when you add Chubb's to the mix the Danvurian also pays for it out their a!#$. Post-Chubby's, bubble guts can be harsh to the digestive track but this is a small risk the Danvurian is willing to take. After feasting on a Chubby's burrito, the Danvurian will always tell themselves; "UGH! never again! I have the post-smothered fry runs!" However days later the same Danvurian will be inside Chubby's with number in hand, waiting impatiently for their smothered crack. For the experienced Danvurian it only takes an approximate 8-24 hour grace period until their next Chubby's order. Over years of consumption, the experience Danvurian has developed a cast iron stomach from eating Chubby's on a regular basis.

You know when you are approaching Chubby's because of the distinct smell that emanates outside the rear entrance of the restaurant. Once you arrive to the parking lot, good luck finding a parking spot. Chubby's has constant traffic throughout the day which makes for overcrowding. Again this is a simple obstacle the Danvurian is willing to take-on in acquiring their next bean special with chicharron.

Chubb's is revered by the vast majority of Danvurians and their out of state friends who hear many a tale of the hot, cheese-oozing smothered goodness. If you live out of state and visit here often, I am sure you've experienced Chubby's through a Danvurian acquaintance or relative. Danvurians love Chubb's so much they feel obligated to spread the gospel to the uniformed.

The following are testimonials from satisfied Chubby's customers:

"HELL YA, CHUBBYS IS DA BOMB! PSSSSH I HIT UP CHUBBZ WHENEVER I'M ALL HUNGRY!"
- Ants (Anthony)

"MMMM IT'S ALL-GRUB! LOL, WAYZOUT!"
-Bern

"I leave the office around 11:00 to beat the lunch rush, which mostly consists of City Workers."
-Jerry O

"For lunch, I give up my parking downtown just to drive a few co-workers and myself to 38th!"
-Chad