Area Man One-ups His Homies by keeping it 110 Percent

DENVER—Sources confirmed that a local man awoke one hour earlier than his usual 11:30 AM wake up time on Monday morning and decided that today was the day he was going to give it 110 percent.

Friday afternoon--After a two month layoff--Denver resident Paul Ortega received the phone call he had been waiting for all Summer. "I got the job!" A jovial Mr. Ortega shouted as he was waiting in line with a friend at the local Santiago's fast food restaurant. "Tsss, damn! It's about time fam! Now you can pay for my burrito and smothered fry!" Shouted Mr. Ortega's long time friend ($hortee Bronco$wag303 $anchez) as the two stood in line to order their food. "Psssh, I've been waiting for this call all week and they finally called!" Said Ortega, adding, "I thought I was going to fail my UA bud! I was all-scared!". It was then that Ortega realized that he will no longer have to hear his girlfriend complain about his sitting on the coach all week, playing Xbox and not contributing to the household. "Hell yay fam! I don't have to hear Alyssa talking shit about me not holding down my own!" said Ortega, adding, "Now I can shut her up by putting gas in her car. I'm tired of her complaining about me taking her car. So what if I always drive her car!" said Ortega, adding, "She should use the free bus pass she gets from her job instead of bugging me to take her! I got shit to do!"

After a weekend of drinking, clubbing  and celebrating the good news, Ortega decided to login to Facebook Monday morning to express how he felt. The post read, "Rise&Grind Keep it 110 fam!"

"everyone always posts 100. I felt like I had to be real and take it up to 110 percent." said Ortega.

When asked why he posted 110 instead 100, Ortega had this to say to Danvur Daily and  his haters, "I just thought to myself, no one ever posts 110 percent! To me, going 110 percent just feels right. Plus 110 is more than 100 percent. So When I start my new job today I am going to keep it 110 percent bruh!"

Sources said that Ortega, who was to begin his new job at 9:00 AM, was already one hour and thirty minutes late for his first day of work, however, Ortega refused to take blame for being late.

"Tsss, I was supposed to be in an hour ago but don't have a ride! My lady didn't leave me her car so it's her fault that I'm late!" said a visibly upset Ortega.

Husband Irate After Wife Refuses to "Make him a plate"

COMMERCE CITY, CO—After watching an exciting Monday Night Football game at a Denver Bronco themed family party, local husband Jerry Padilla, 45, asked his wife Rosie Padilla, 43 to serve him a plate as he sat watching the game. It wasn't until Mrs. Padilla refused to serve her husband that Mr. Padilla became livid.

"Tsss, All I did was ask my wife to make me a plate and I get all kindz of attitude from her?!" said Jerry, adding, "It's not like this is the first time I ever asked her to get off her a$$ to make me a plate!" Sources at the party say Mr. Padilla appeared to be a little intoxicated from consuming a six pack of Bud Light and "doin' shots with his hitos". "Chhh, I had a few beers and did some shots with my hitos and got ALL-hungry. So I asked my lady to hook me up with some grub and she was all, make it your damn self!" shouted Jerry, adding that while he could have very well got up from the sofa to serve himself, he likes the way his wife "makes his plate". "Chhh, he gets all menso when he's had too much to drink." said a visibly upset Rosie, adding, "I was in the kitchen talking to my sister, Teresa, and all-of-a-sudden we heard Jerry yell, Hey Rosie, make me a plate! I'm ALL, get off your lazy a$$ and make it yourself! He's right next to the food and I'm all the way in the kitchen?! I swear that man's too damn lazy to get off the couch because he might miss his precious game!"

An hour later order was restored once again when Jerry's niece Selena decided to make her uncle a plate. Selena believed It was in everybody's best interest that her uncle ate. "Uncle Jerry's all drunk and he needs to eat something!" said Selena, adding "I hate when my uncle and auntie fight over stupid stuff. I know my auntie gets frustrated with uncle Jerry when he's drunk but what good is it to argue with a drunk man?" When asked what she thought about her niece serving Jerry, Rosie had a few choice words for us. "That girl is still young and doesn't know the shit I put up with on game day. EEE, but watch, she'll learn!"

Just then Selena's boyfriend Isaiah Ortiz, 21, walks into the party. "Hey come in hito, glad you can make it. Hey Selena get Zaiah a beer will ya!" said Jerry. "Gimme a Bud Light Lime!" shouted Isaiah.

Friends Saddened: Notoriously Tough Denver Man Becomes Excessively Sentimental

THORNTON, CO--As any Dominate, alpha male type can attest, There comes a time in life when you shed your tough guy persona. A time when your body no longer produces testosterone and the life of being a family man softness you up like DQ soft serve. For 55-year-old Thornton (Thorin) tough guy, Tony Martinez, that day came when his 19 year old daughter, Destiny Martinez gave birth to a baby girl.

Friends and family of the once local ruffian, Tony Martinez are saddened by their friends sudden softer, sappy side.
"Pssh, It's just terrible and painful to watch ya know. I once saw Tony beat the crap out of two guys outside the Tap Inn and now that same guy is changing his granddaughter's diapers?!" said Martinez' longtime buddy, 54-year-old Manuel Lopez, adding "Tsss, I member when we use-ta run around in the Northside, partying at the Keg and the Blue Corn. Chhh, Tony didn't take shit from no one bud, but that was back-in-the-day!" Lopez is not alone in grieving for their now over-sentimental friend, Martinez' 36-year-old nephew Jerry Alvarez is quite taken back by his uncles turning over a new leaf. "Chhh, I use-ta look up to my uncle Tony, He gave me my first bud Light and bought me my first lap dance at Cheerleaders! He always had my back when foo's would talk their shit!" said a visibly upset Alvarez, adding "Ever since Destiny's man got her all-pregnant, my uncle hasn't been going to Dandy Dan's Thirsty Thursdays with us after work! I called him last Thursday and he was building a doll house for Destiny's baby! Chhh, and to boot we were all postoo (supposed to) go to Sturgis this year but my aunty Irma is telling me that uncle is thinking about selling his Harley? What the f#@k?!" According to Alvarez, Martinez is half the man he used to be simply because Martinez refuses to frequent the local bars, and prefers family Sunday Funday over riding the hog with his middle-aged Chicano buddies.

Though the days of puffing out his chest at the local bars and stumbling drunk into Chubby's at 3am are behind him, some near and dear to Mr. Martinez praise his new attitude toward life. "Ya know, I am proud of Anthony! My hito had a hard upbringing and wasn't given the chances others had to succeed in life. He wasn't born with a silver spoon in his mouth, but he managed to be a successful company man, husband, dad and grandfather." said Martinez' 72-year-old Uncle, Ernie Martinez, adding "I only wish Anthony would make that dead beat boyfriend of my hita's get a job! Chhh, what a lazy piece of shit that guy is!" Ernie is referring to Destiny's live in boyfriend and father of their child, Leonard Gallegos. Leonard moved in with Tony and his family after Destiny had her baby. "Tsss, Destiny needs to quit sticking up for that p#$$y! She gets all-mad at uncle when he tries to tell Leonard's lazy ass to get a job. Tsss, kick both their asses out the house!" Martinez' frustrated nephew Alvarez chimed in as the Danvur Daylee was interviewing Ernie. "Cálmate me hito, I know you're frustrated but your uncle can't kick out Destiny and Leonard, who's gonna watch the baby?" said Ernie. "Tsss, aunty Irma is the one who watches the baby while Destiny and Leonard go out and party every night!" shouted Alvarez, adding "Shit, ten years ago my uncle Tony would've beat down Leonard, instead he lets that puto sleep in and eat all the groceries!"

Before ending our interview, the Danvur Daylee caught up with Tony Martinez' Daughter, Destiny Martinez. "I love my daddy, he's much more calm these days. After I had the baby my dad stepped up and supported me and Leonard." said Destiny, adding "I know people talk shit because Leonard's not working, but they need to get a life!" Danvur Daylee made an attempt to get an interview with Leonard, but Destiny hasn't seen Leonard in two days. Danvur Daylee asked Destiny about Leonard's whereabouts. "Oh, he's at his ex girlfriends house." said Destiny, adding "Oh, but he doesn't love her anymore, he's just visiting his other baby and telling his ex to leave us alone."

Police: Man Harassed at Local Restaurant for referring to the Northside as the Highlands

DENVER, CO--Police say the incident happened on Friday afternoon at LeChuga's Italian restaurant, located on the 35th block of Tejon.

After overhearing a couples conversation, three men approached a man and woman's table threatening to harm the man if he refers to the North Denver area as the Highlands again.

38-year-old Manny Esquibel of Denver, as well as 42-year-old Frank Mazzotti and 36-year-old Danny Martinez of Commerce City, were charged with aggravated assault resulting in a bloody nose.

Authorities say Kyle Gross and Sarah McGuire of Potter Highlands were having lunch when three men walked up to their table uninvited."Well, Sarah and I were enjoying our meal when out of nowhere three guys approached our table and started cursing and swearing?!" said Kyle, who stated that Esquibel, Mazzotti and Martinez were being rude and threatening him.
"These guys were yelling, this is Norside or something to that effect...I don't even know what Norside means? It wasn't until Sarah explained to me that the guys were actually saying NORTHSIDE, that I feared for my safety!"

Danvur Daylee caught up with first responder, Officer Pat Gutierrez. "Mr. Gross moved into the Highland area during the neighborhood gentrification boom. Having watched the neighborhood flourish and grow steadily with increasing revenue, Mr. Gross is well aware of the animosity people of the old neighborhood have for new home owners like himself." said Officer Gutierrez, adding, "The vast majority of people from the old North Denver neighborhood are frustrated by the revitalization of their old neighborhood. I don't understand this frustration because half the people who are upset have moved out to Thornton and other surrounding areas."

Since the late 90's, North Denver has seen a resurgence in development with neighborhoods flourishing during the economic downturn. "I mean really, these guys are going to get upset because their once decaying hood now has $1 million dollar homes being built?! I just don't get it?" Kyle Gross told the Danvur Daylee, adding, "Heck, my business partner and I have scraped little Victorian shacks into beautiful modern flats!" "See, that's the problem you stooopid, yous guys are taking away the history of the neighborhood! you're lucky I am handcuffed or else I'd go over there and beat your @$$, puto!" Esquibel said. "better watch your back!"

The Irony of this whole debacle is that it took place in one of North Denver's last standing original restaurants, LeChuga's. "Man, I would've just ignored his ass, but saying the Highlands in one of the Northsides last standing treasures got me ALL-pissed!" said Martinez, adding, "Tsss, they tore down Subways, Pagliacci's, Carbone's and now they are selling LeChuga's?! Things are not the same anymore, F@ck the Highlands awwwReady!"

the new Danvur Facebook App

here's a new app for facebook! it allows danvur people to "check-in" to their favorite places!

The Danvur Daylee - Pop or soda? Fight breaks out after argument over fountain drink name

DENVER, CO--Denver PD was called to a local Taco Bell restaurant after a fist fight broke out Wednesday evening. "We received the call just a little after 7pm. The caller described two males in their early to mid 30's, engaging in a verbal confrontation over the proper way to reference a fountain drink." said officer Hicks, adding, "When officer Calhoun and I arrived at the scene the verbal confrontation between the two assailants escalated into a physical altercation." "damn it was nutty bro!" said Eloy Gallegos, who was one of many customers that had witnessed the altercation. "Yay, the dude in front of me ordered a pop and the guy behind the register told him; you mean a soda sir? and the dude in front of me said no a pop and then the foo behind the register said what's a pop? next thing I know them fooz were throwing chingasos! man it was crazy-sick!" said Gallegos. One onlooker managed to record the entire spectacle on his phone. "yay, think I'll upload this shit to YouTube. notch, I'll get like thousands of hits bro!" said the onlooker.

Danvur Daylee was able to get an interview with one of the assailants, Taco bell cashier, mike Henderson. "I really don't know what got into the guy?!" said Henderson, adding, "The guy ordered a soda but called it a pop? I just moved here from California and have no idea what a pop is?" The other assailant, 39 year old Fabian Del Real was able to give the Danvur Daylee a little more insight into the situation. "Tssss, that puss knew what I was talking about! Chhh, who doesn't know what pop means man?!" said Del Real. "I ordered a pop and that foo looked at me All-weird, like I was stoopid er something! so I said; A POP STOOPID don't yous know what a pop is?!" said Del Real, adding "So he told me to stop yallin' so I told him to quit acting stoopid and then we went at it!"

The Denver Police were able to control the situation after a little pepper spray and hand cuffing the assailants. "Our lives were in danger, not just ours but the entire restaurant!" said officer Hicks. "We are just glad we were able to resolve this situation without any further reinforcements." Danvur Daylee also caught up with Officer Calhoun as he was assisting the assailants to the squad car for further questioning. "I am happy with the outcome. Officer Hicks and I were able to resolve this minor situation in less than 20 minutes, just in time for our evening break. hey Hicks what kind of pop would you like with your combo meal?" said Calhoun. "Pop? what's a pop?!" Hicks said in reference to his partners question.

The Danvur Daylee - Area Man sets up small protest in front of the old Ron & Dan's Keg Building

DENVER, 3800 block of Shoshone--53 year old Rick Mondragon was born & raised in the northwest part of Denver, now known to many as The Highlands. "Shits changed around here. ya know this is where I grew up and ran around with my partners. it was a place I called home, now I can't even afford to live here?!" says Mondragon, adding "I can't even get good food here anymore. thank the lord LeChuga's and Subway's are still around!"

Mondragon now lives in a one bedroom apartment in Thornton, CO. "Chhh, everyone I know had to move to thor-in cause all these out of towers started taking over our neighborhood." said Mondragon referring to the recent gentrification of the Highlands...I mean Northside. "This is the northside brotha, you know!?" said Mondragon, adding "this is why I stand here, on the corner with this sign, at my favorite old watering hole!" The "Watering Hole" Mondragon is referring to is the old Ron & Dan's Keg which used to stand on the corner of 38th ave & Shoshone. The Keg is now a sophisticated eatery. "I hold this sign proud!" The sign to which Mondragon is referring to reads: "F%$& all yous rich brats this is the Keg! Northside forever!" "Yeah, I know this sign say's F%$& and I dont care!" says Mondragon as he takes a sip from a container wrapped up in a brown paper bag. "But my son Anthony added the Northside forever part! haha, bless his heart!" said Mondragon.

As The Danvur Daylee continued to conduct this interview, a customer notices Mondragon's demonstration. "Hey, why don't you and your vulgar sign leave the premises! You people need to get a life!" said the customer who asked we do not use his name because the fear of retribution. "hey F$%* yous guys, this is a free country. I maybe older but I'll still kick your little chicken ass buddy!" says Mondragon to the customer. "oh, figures you would resort to violence you barbarian you!"

After this interview Mr. Mondragon was taken into custody and charged with aggravated assault. The customer was rushed to Lutheran Hospital by his request because he referred to Denver General as "disgusting!"

The Danvur Daylee - Danvur Chicanos reach record breaking numbers at free Boys II Men concert.

DENVER, TASTE OF COLORADO--"We definitely had our hands full Monday night. People were elbow to elbow!" said Denver Police Departments, Sgt. Tackleberry in regards to the the Chicano population, during the Taste of Colorado's Boy II Men concert. "It was a very stressful situation trying to get to the Turkey Leg condiments." said a Denver resident--who asked they remain anonymous. "They were very rude in line. one fellow with what looked to be plucked eyebrows, wearing a tilted ball cap shouted: Hey Bud, you're gonna have to wait! quit trying to BUD, I'm gettin' my grub on that's what's up!!! So I just turned around and walked the other way. I had to eat my turkey leg without hot sauce and napkin!" Sgt. Tackleberry told the Danvur Daylee that for the most part it was a very peaceful night on Monday. "Everyone was having a good time but I noticed some people left the concert early." said Sgt. Tackleberry "Most of the people leaving the Boys II Men concert walked to the other stage -- Where a Bluegrass band was playing, located south of the main stage." added Sgt. Tackleberry. One observer noticed that many of the Chicanos in attendance knew each other. "It was amazing!? everyone seemed to be related or a cousin of some sort." said an onlooker, adding "I accidentally bumped lightly into fellow in front of me and the fellow next to him shouted: Why you starting s#$% with my cousin bud?! I was a lost for words and explained to the gentleman that I was in no way looking for trouble, to which he replied, that's what I thought bud!"

The Danvur Daylee - Danvur native sues Twitter for stealing name Idea!

DENVER, CO--visibly upset, agitated and "ALL-pissed," 29 year old Bernard Villalpando reportedly is trying to sue the social networking and microblogging king, twitter. Villalpando accuses the media giant for blatantly stealing the name "Twitter" from him back in 2006 as Villalpando was posting in an online forum. "CanEven believe they copied my idea! Twitter is goin' down! THAT'S WHAT'S UP!" says an angry Villalpando. Back in late 2006, Villalpando was chatting online at the local Denver Public Library and responded to a chat from a user going by the name of; jjdorsey00. "I was late and postoo meet my probation officer. i started to book from the liberry and i sawl his post." The post in question was from jjdorsey00 and addressed to Villalpando. The post read: "Happy Friday BVillapando69! hope u r as excited as I am 4 the wknd!" to which Villalpando responded: "Oh yes bud, don't get ALL-twittered!" "My Client's intellectual property was violated and we will not hesitate to prosecute to the fullest!" says Villalpando's attorney, Jerry Padilla.

"Huh!" Followed up by the universal head nod.

In casual conversation the Danvurian can use one word and head gesture to agree, get their point across or to ask for repetition of an utterance. Huh? you ask? The word "huh" is a very important word used by the Danvurian in expressing themselves.

Huh can be used in numerous ways. One of the many uses of the word "huh" can be agreement. For example, say you're dissatisfied with your job and you happen to work with a Danvurian who shares your discontent with the work place. Simply turn to the Danvurian and express your displeasure with your job: "Oh I just hate it when they have us run these reports every morning!" The Danvurian will take notice of your disgust and agree with the following: "Huh!" (The universal head nod follows the word huh.). Doing this gesture conveys the Danvurians empathy to your situation.

Another use of the word "huh" and head nod is an exclamation expressing surprise or excitement and frequently introducing a question. The Danvurian is good at expressing themselves with filled pauses or one word sentences. This is a way for the Danvurian to express emotion. Example: "Huh, he got knocked the fuck out!"

My last example is used as a part of an utterance not properly heard or understood. For example say you are asking a Danvurian a question from another room and they can't hear because they are watching the Bronco game in the other room. Example: "Hey Rudy, want cheese on your smothered?!" "Huh bud, I am watching the game?!"

Danvurians are very expressive people who love to get their point across with minimal effort and lots of emotion. To the right people we are very open and talkative, but if we hardly know you and you want to engage in conversation, do not be insulted if we reply with a single interjection..."Huh!"

Carlos Santana - The Patron Saint of Danvur

Santana, the patron saint of Danvur is a Mexican-born American rock god! Santana is best known for being a pioneer of rock, salsa-fusion in the late 60's and early 70's.
To Danvurians, Santana is the pinnacle of success and we look up to him like the smooth uncle who plays guitar in our family. As Danvurians growing up, we've all had cousins and uncles who try to emulate his style. From wearing bandanas, guayabera's and growing their hair long, I remember being a little kid and watching my uncles play the bongos, light up fatoljays and try to jam along to Santana alubums. No matter the occasion a Santana song can surely get a Danvur party started.

If you've ever attended a Danvur bar bq, party or bar, you know that Santana is a safe selection when playing music. The mere sound of "Oye Como Va!" playing will soften the hardest of Danvurians! Upon hearing this track, the Danvurian quickly goes into groove mode. When attending a Danvur Party, you can bet someone will slip in Santana's Greatest Hits (the CD with the African male holding a dove), this happens like clock work. Playing this CD will ensure everyone that the party is still live and will be for hours to come.

No matter what your music preference is, Santana is a way for all Danvurians to have a common ground. For instance, the music nazi friend who refuses to listen to anything mainstream, and will opt for more of the unattainable alternative sounds. Santana is a perfect ice breaker for this kind of music enthusiast, but of course the music nazi friend will most likely gravitate toward the more obscure Santana tracks like: "The Santana Brothers album."

Santana is a god to all Danvurians and remains an important force in the Danvurian culture. This is why Santana is the patron saint of DANVUR!

Danvur Werd of the day - Fatoljay

Fatoljay
pronounciation: \'fat-ōl-jā\
example:
"damn, he rolled a fatoljay!"

Every now and again, growing up in Denver someone would show up to school with a joint. This person was usually the "cool" kid (or in Danvur terms, wicked'ol-badass!) who didn't take shit from anyone, including the teachers and principal. This kid would gather up his little cronies, ditch class, walk to an alley way or behind a store and light up a FATOLJAY! Passing this lavishly wrapped canibus cigarette, and making certain he does not interrupt rotation-the leader would pride himself on the plumpness of his joint. "Damn, looky how sick I rolled this shit buuuud!" To which one of his cronies would reply in delight, "yeah, you really rolled a FATOLJAY bud...ere!" because of the smoke he was holding in the "H" in "here" is nonexistent.