Friends Saddened: Notoriously Tough Denver Man Becomes Excessively Sentimental

THORNTON, CO--As any Dominate, alpha male type can attest, There comes a time in life when you shed your tough guy persona. A time when your body no longer produces testosterone and the life of being a family man softness you up like DQ soft serve. For 55-year-old Thornton (Thorin) tough guy, Tony Martinez, that day came when his 19 year old daughter, Destiny Martinez gave birth to a baby girl.

Friends and family of the once local ruffian, Tony Martinez are saddened by their friends sudden softer, sappy side.
"Pssh, It's just terrible and painful to watch ya know. I once saw Tony beat the crap out of two guys outside the Tap Inn and now that same guy is changing his granddaughter's diapers?!" said Martinez' longtime buddy, 54-year-old Manuel Lopez, adding "Tsss, I member when we use-ta run around in the Northside, partying at the Keg and the Blue Corn. Chhh, Tony didn't take shit from no one bud, but that was back-in-the-day!" Lopez is not alone in grieving for their now over-sentimental friend, Martinez' 36-year-old nephew Jerry Alvarez is quite taken back by his uncles turning over a new leaf. "Chhh, I use-ta look up to my uncle Tony, He gave me my first bud Light and bought me my first lap dance at Cheerleaders! He always had my back when foo's would talk their shit!" said a visibly upset Alvarez, adding "Ever since Destiny's man got her all-pregnant, my uncle hasn't been going to Dandy Dan's Thirsty Thursdays with us after work! I called him last Thursday and he was building a doll house for Destiny's baby! Chhh, and to boot we were all postoo (supposed to) go to Sturgis this year but my aunty Irma is telling me that uncle is thinking about selling his Harley? What the f#@k?!" According to Alvarez, Martinez is half the man he used to be simply because Martinez refuses to frequent the local bars, and prefers family Sunday Funday over riding the hog with his middle-aged Chicano buddies.

Though the days of puffing out his chest at the local bars and stumbling drunk into Chubby's at 3am are behind him, some near and dear to Mr. Martinez praise his new attitude toward life. "Ya know, I am proud of Anthony! My hito had a hard upbringing and wasn't given the chances others had to succeed in life. He wasn't born with a silver spoon in his mouth, but he managed to be a successful company man, husband, dad and grandfather." said Martinez' 72-year-old Uncle, Ernie Martinez, adding "I only wish Anthony would make that dead beat boyfriend of my hita's get a job! Chhh, what a lazy piece of shit that guy is!" Ernie is referring to Destiny's live in boyfriend and father of their child, Leonard Gallegos. Leonard moved in with Tony and his family after Destiny had her baby. "Tsss, Destiny needs to quit sticking up for that p#$$y! She gets all-mad at uncle when he tries to tell Leonard's lazy ass to get a job. Tsss, kick both their asses out the house!" Martinez' frustrated nephew Alvarez chimed in as the Danvur Daylee was interviewing Ernie. "Cálmate me hito, I know you're frustrated but your uncle can't kick out Destiny and Leonard, who's gonna watch the baby?" said Ernie. "Tsss, aunty Irma is the one who watches the baby while Destiny and Leonard go out and party every night!" shouted Alvarez, adding "Shit, ten years ago my uncle Tony would've beat down Leonard, instead he lets that puto sleep in and eat all the groceries!"

Before ending our interview, the Danvur Daylee caught up with Tony Martinez' Daughter, Destiny Martinez. "I love my daddy, he's much more calm these days. After I had the baby my dad stepped up and supported me and Leonard." said Destiny, adding "I know people talk shit because Leonard's not working, but they need to get a life!" Danvur Daylee made an attempt to get an interview with Leonard, but Destiny hasn't seen Leonard in two days. Danvur Daylee asked Destiny about Leonard's whereabouts. "Oh, he's at his ex girlfriends house." said Destiny, adding "Oh, but he doesn't love her anymore, he's just visiting his other baby and telling his ex to leave us alone."

Denver Man torn between the two North Danvur Fast Food Juggernauts

DENVER—According to local reports issued Saturday by 30-year-old Denver City resident Bernadette Manzanarez, her man's all-fuckin' tired of trying to decide the best spot to buy his breakfast burritos. Fuck, the report stated, "He should just pick one place already, and stick with it!" said Bernadette Reports went on saying the previous Friday morning, Bernadette's commmon law husband, Tony Candelaria sat in his car at the Original Chubby's parking lot for roughly twenty minutes smoking what looked to be a Marijuana cigarette,"Tssss, I was all-stressed-out and had a hard time deciding where to get my next burrito. So to relax I sparked a lil pinner my uncle left in my ashtray the night before."

On Thursday night Tony and his uncle, Ron Ortega, enjoyed a night of drinking downtown at the local taverns while, watching a Colorado Rockies game. The next morning evidence of leftover Bubba Chino's adorned the floor of Tony's 2001 Honda Civic. "Since we were downtown we stopped at Bubba Chino's to get me a smothered because Chubby's was outta the way bud!" said Tony's Uncle Ron, adding, "My poor hito (Tony) was too buzzed to drive me to get my Chubby's fix so we just bought a Bubba Chino's! When you're buzzed it all taste the same, ya know?!"

Visibly upset, Tony Candelaria's live-in girlfriend of ten years, Bernadette Manzanarez gave Danvur.com her side of the story. "Obviously they (Tony & Ron) were under the influence of alcohol and not in the right state of mind!" said Bernadette, who happens to prefer the Original Chubby's restaurant, adding, "The take-out containers on the floor of Tony's car were Styrofoam, and not the two stapled Chinet plates Chubby's is known to carry. So I knew right there that Tony was lying about bringing me home a Chubby's after the bar. I should have known better when he served me my smothered fries on one of our plates from home...it even tasted all-different! Chhh, I was all-bummed-out!"

"I didn't think she (Bernadette) could tell the difference bud?!" said an emotional Tony, adding, "It was late! Tsss, at least I picked something up?!" Candelaria continued, "She should have at least thanked me because that fry was expensive! Chhh, Next time that b#$%h will be lucky if I bring that ass a Taco Bell! Wazeout, don't write that please..."

Stating how important it is to them, Danvurians admitted it would be somewhat difficult to completely tear themselves away from the teat(s) that are Chubby's and Bubba Chino's. Ron Ortega Continued, "Chhh, next time me and my hito are buzzed, I'll just tell him to take the side roads and avoid the cops. this way we can get our Chubby's, eat it in the parking lot, sober up, spark a jay and drive home safe."

The Danvur Daylee - Distraught Raider Fan Found nude and shaken up near a Denny's Dumpster

DENVER, CO--At approximately 5:15 AM, Denver Police discovered a nude man wondering around the dumpster in a Denny's parking lot located at 1600 block of Nw Federal Blvd. "We received a frantic 911 call at 4:58 AM from a Denny's employee who described a naked distraught male, in his late to early 30's, sitting by the dumpster, in a fetal position." said Denver Police officer Mahoney. Officer Mahoney was the first responding officer to the scene and he was quite taken back by what he saw. "The guy was mumbling about wanting his mom and a blanket because he was cold." said Mahoney, adding "As I approached the distraught male, I noticed what appeared to be orange spray paint covering his lower extremities. The victim also had an orange parking cone protruding out of his posterior."

Danvur Daylee interviewed the 911 caller, Joey De La Cruze. "Tsss, it was crazy-crazy! I went outside to take out the trash and I saw this foo...i mean guy was hiding behind the dumpster. he looked all-scared & stuff. So I asked him what the F#%%& he was doing in the parking lot all-naked, with a parking cone in his ass...oops my bad can we say that!? Pshh, I couldn't even understand him because he was crying! I was like--stop crying like a baby foo!" The distraught man was given a blanket and taken to a near by hospital to check for any further injuries. "A fellow officer and myself made several attempts at getting some information as to what happened to the male victim in question. The only coherent response we got from him was...This is Bronco Country and I want to go home!" said officer Mahoney.

If anyone has any information leading to the apprehension of the suspects responsible for this crime, don't call, don't write because you will be next!

Broncos loss causes Monday hangover for the Danvurian

The Broncos, Denver hero's with the power to alter the Danvurians day for better or for worse. Between the months of September and January the Broncos are the puppet masters and the Danvurians are the marionettes. Whether the Danvurians Monday is happy and full of promise or crappy like the morning after a night of booze drinking and cocaine, all depends on the outcome of the Bronco game the day before.

In this four month period of Broncomania, Friday is the most promising day of all. Danvurians are on top of the world, strolling into the office Friday morning, clad in their favorite Bronco attire: some sporting their #30 Terrell Davis Jersey, the old school fans with an Orange Crush, Randy Gradishar throw-back, and let us not forget the lovely blue haired receptionist with the dangling bronco helmet earrings. All is great in Bronco land on Friday, not even the office's token Raider fan, who goes out of his way to rank on the Broncos can burst the Danvurians bubble on this crisp Autumn morning. With the Bronco jersey working like a kevlar vest, the Danvurian feels they can take on the work day and anything else coming their way Friday. And when the work day is over it's off to happy hour for a little pre-game celebration. The Danvurian is such the loyal fan, their celebration spans a whole three days in anticipation of Bronco Sunday. But all of this cheer and blissful celebration can come to a screeching halt when the Broncos lose.

It's not whether the Broncos win or lose, it's how they lose that gives the avid Broncos fan an ulcer. For years the Broncos have a way of making stupid mistakes in games. This is a proven fact and any true Bronco fan can vouch for me. Yes, there has been times when the Broncos lose and the Danvurian is still happy because their team put up a valiant effort. But most of the time the Broncos have their fans scratching their heads post game, trying to figure out how a team can screw up in such donkey (a nickname created by Bronco haters) fashion. For years the Broncos have been the proverbial welcome mat to opposing team records. Shit, a running backs shoes have made it to Canton because the Broncos allowed most yards rushed in a game, by a single player! Don't get me started on the plethora of record breaking plays against Denver in Super Bowl appearances because we would be here all night.

In the late 1990's, the Danvurians were finally vindicated when Elway and the boys won back-to-back Super Bowls. Bronco fans were dancing in the streets and crying tears of joy because they're beloved Bronco's finally got the respect they felt were cheated out of all these years. Elway was held to Deity status and praised by all Danvurians as the most beloved player in Bronco history. To this day Elway shares the spotlight with fellow patron saint of Danvur, Carlos Santana. When Elway finally retired on top, and the Broncos had two Super Bowl trophies under their belt, Danvurians believed the worst was behind them and their beloved Broncos would no longer be the NFL's laughing stock.

With a new Coaching staff, Quarterback and players, the Broncos are still the Rodney Dangerfields of the NFL, they just get "No Respect". Through all this turmoil the Danvurian still stands by their team like a nice obedient Stepford Wife. Danvurians need the Broncos, for crying out-loud when the sun sets, and the sky turns a brilliant shade of orange, the Danvurians swear it's because god loves the Broncos. With that kind of unconditional love, Danvurians are the best fans a team can have.