Friends Saddened: Notoriously Tough Denver Man Becomes Excessively Sentimental

THORNTON, CO--As any Dominate, alpha male type can attest, There comes a time in life when you shed your tough guy persona. A time when your body no longer produces testosterone and the life of being a family man softness you up like DQ soft serve. For 55-year-old Thornton (Thorin) tough guy, Tony Martinez, that day came when his 19 year old daughter, Destiny Martinez gave birth to a baby girl.

Friends and family of the once local ruffian, Tony Martinez are saddened by their friends sudden softer, sappy side.
"Pssh, It's just terrible and painful to watch ya know. I once saw Tony beat the crap out of two guys outside the Tap Inn and now that same guy is changing his granddaughter's diapers?!" said Martinez' longtime buddy, 54-year-old Manuel Lopez, adding "Tsss, I member when we use-ta run around in the Northside, partying at the Keg and the Blue Corn. Chhh, Tony didn't take shit from no one bud, but that was back-in-the-day!" Lopez is not alone in grieving for their now over-sentimental friend, Martinez' 36-year-old nephew Jerry Alvarez is quite taken back by his uncles turning over a new leaf. "Chhh, I use-ta look up to my uncle Tony, He gave me my first bud Light and bought me my first lap dance at Cheerleaders! He always had my back when foo's would talk their shit!" said a visibly upset Alvarez, adding "Ever since Destiny's man got her all-pregnant, my uncle hasn't been going to Dandy Dan's Thirsty Thursdays with us after work! I called him last Thursday and he was building a doll house for Destiny's baby! Chhh, and to boot we were all postoo (supposed to) go to Sturgis this year but my aunty Irma is telling me that uncle is thinking about selling his Harley? What the f#@k?!" According to Alvarez, Martinez is half the man he used to be simply because Martinez refuses to frequent the local bars, and prefers family Sunday Funday over riding the hog with his middle-aged Chicano buddies.

Though the days of puffing out his chest at the local bars and stumbling drunk into Chubby's at 3am are behind him, some near and dear to Mr. Martinez praise his new attitude toward life. "Ya know, I am proud of Anthony! My hito had a hard upbringing and wasn't given the chances others had to succeed in life. He wasn't born with a silver spoon in his mouth, but he managed to be a successful company man, husband, dad and grandfather." said Martinez' 72-year-old Uncle, Ernie Martinez, adding "I only wish Anthony would make that dead beat boyfriend of my hita's get a job! Chhh, what a lazy piece of shit that guy is!" Ernie is referring to Destiny's live in boyfriend and father of their child, Leonard Gallegos. Leonard moved in with Tony and his family after Destiny had her baby. "Tsss, Destiny needs to quit sticking up for that p#$$y! She gets all-mad at uncle when he tries to tell Leonard's lazy ass to get a job. Tsss, kick both their asses out the house!" Martinez' frustrated nephew Alvarez chimed in as the Danvur Daylee was interviewing Ernie. "Cálmate me hito, I know you're frustrated but your uncle can't kick out Destiny and Leonard, who's gonna watch the baby?" said Ernie. "Tsss, aunty Irma is the one who watches the baby while Destiny and Leonard go out and party every night!" shouted Alvarez, adding "Shit, ten years ago my uncle Tony would've beat down Leonard, instead he lets that puto sleep in and eat all the groceries!"

Before ending our interview, the Danvur Daylee caught up with Tony Martinez' Daughter, Destiny Martinez. "I love my daddy, he's much more calm these days. After I had the baby my dad stepped up and supported me and Leonard." said Destiny, adding "I know people talk shit because Leonard's not working, but they need to get a life!" Danvur Daylee made an attempt to get an interview with Leonard, but Destiny hasn't seen Leonard in two days. Danvur Daylee asked Destiny about Leonard's whereabouts. "Oh, he's at his ex girlfriends house." said Destiny, adding "Oh, but he doesn't love her anymore, he's just visiting his other baby and telling his ex to leave us alone."

Denver Man torn between the two North Danvur Fast Food Juggernauts

DENVER—According to local reports issued Saturday by 30-year-old Denver City resident Bernadette Manzanarez, her man's all-fuckin' tired of trying to decide the best spot to buy his breakfast burritos. Fuck, the report stated, "He should just pick one place already, and stick with it!" said Bernadette Reports went on saying the previous Friday morning, Bernadette's commmon law husband, Tony Candelaria sat in his car at the Original Chubby's parking lot for roughly twenty minutes smoking what looked to be a Marijuana cigarette,"Tssss, I was all-stressed-out and had a hard time deciding where to get my next burrito. So to relax I sparked a lil pinner my uncle left in my ashtray the night before."

On Thursday night Tony and his uncle, Ron Ortega, enjoyed a night of drinking downtown at the local taverns while, watching a Colorado Rockies game. The next morning evidence of leftover Bubba Chino's adorned the floor of Tony's 2001 Honda Civic. "Since we were downtown we stopped at Bubba Chino's to get me a smothered because Chubby's was outta the way bud!" said Tony's Uncle Ron, adding, "My poor hito (Tony) was too buzzed to drive me to get my Chubby's fix so we just bought a Bubba Chino's! When you're buzzed it all taste the same, ya know?!"

Visibly upset, Tony Candelaria's live-in girlfriend of ten years, Bernadette Manzanarez gave Danvur.com her side of the story. "Obviously they (Tony & Ron) were under the influence of alcohol and not in the right state of mind!" said Bernadette, who happens to prefer the Original Chubby's restaurant, adding, "The take-out containers on the floor of Tony's car were Styrofoam, and not the two stapled Chinet plates Chubby's is known to carry. So I knew right there that Tony was lying about bringing me home a Chubby's after the bar. I should have known better when he served me my smothered fries on one of our plates from home...it even tasted all-different! Chhh, I was all-bummed-out!"

"I didn't think she (Bernadette) could tell the difference bud?!" said an emotional Tony, adding, "It was late! Tsss, at least I picked something up?!" Candelaria continued, "She should have at least thanked me because that fry was expensive! Chhh, Next time that b#$%h will be lucky if I bring that ass a Taco Bell! Wazeout, don't write that please..."

Stating how important it is to them, Danvurians admitted it would be somewhat difficult to completely tear themselves away from the teat(s) that are Chubby's and Bubba Chino's. Ron Ortega Continued, "Chhh, next time me and my hito are buzzed, I'll just tell him to take the side roads and avoid the cops. this way we can get our Chubby's, eat it in the parking lot, sober up, spark a jay and drive home safe."

The Danvur Daylee - Denver Woman Takes Credit for Restaurant Bought Tamales

THORNTON, CO--The moment she walked into her family's annual Christmas gathering, Law office receptionist Irma Hernandez took credit for making tamales she had bought from a local restaurant.

"She walked in tellin' everyone that she made them tamales?! PSSh, I knew she didn't make them and I was trying to tell my auntie Rose that Irma's lying her ass off!" said a disgusted Alyssa Garcia, Irma's second cousin, adding, "Ugh, she always tries to brag about shit that isn't even true, she's got me ALL pissed!" Alyssa walks away to collect herself and turns to her aunt Rose for comfort, "Aye yi yi, I told my hita not to worry about it and that god will punish Irma for lying about her tamales! my god doesn't like liars!" Aunt Rose told Danvur Daylee in response to Alyssa's tirade. According to Rose, Irma and Alyssa have always been in competition with each other. "Alyssa's just a sad individual who blames everyone but herself for her problems." says a jovial Irma. "F*** that bitch, she acts like her shit doesn't stink!" a visibily upset Alyssa told the Danvur Daylee.

The night started off on the wrong foot with the trivial bickering and auntie Rose getting in the middle of it all. The men of the house however were very happy, "Eee, my hita, Irma makes the best tamles! mmm, mm!" said a jolly uncle Phil as he took another bite into his savory red chile tamale Irma had served him, adding, "Boy, hita you got the magic touch! Alyssa should take lessons! mmm!" Alyssa became livid when she heard her nino Phil express his love for Irma's stored bought tamales."I stayed up all night trying to make masa like my gram'aw (grandma) taught me and this bitch comes in acting like she made her own tamales!" said a frustrated Alysa, adding, "I should just go over to my nino Phil and tell him Irma's a lying bitch cause that's what's UP!"Seeing that Alyssa is visibly upset, auntie Rose comforts Alyssa, "Aye, no, no hita just let it go, sabes que that's just the way Irma is!" explained aunt Rose. "Eh, my wife is just as bad, always getting involved in other peoples business!" said Juan, Roses husband, noting that he constantly has to remind his wife Rose to keep out of family drama. "If you ask me, Rosie just fuels the fire, ya know!" said Juan as he took a bite of his tamale.

Content with the rave reviews she got for her tamales, Irma walks over to the potluck table to check on the food. Irma notices that aunt Anna is serving up the plates of food. "aren't you gonna make you a plate hita?" said Anna, to which Irma replied, "yeah, in a minute auntie. TSS, looks like my tamales are a hit huh auntie? mine are almost gone and Alyssa's still has like three dozen left? oh well guess she'll have a lot of leftovers." said Irma. "Eee, you're too much girl." said aunt Anna, adding, "oh-yeah how did you make your masa hita? Do you use chicken stalk or lard?" caught off guard Irma replies "Eh, I used chicken stalk like gram'aw use to..."Irma replied sheepishly. "chicken que?! your grandma used lard baby." said Anna. "oh yeah, I used lard." said Irma.

Deflate Before Speaking!

Danvurians have a rare way of communicating with their peers. Through this blog we have explored the various sounds and words the Danvurian creates as a part of their communication skills. However, one of the most important sounds a Danvurian uses in everyday speech is created by a string of consonants that contain no vowels. Tsss, Phsss, Psssss, Chhh are syllable-less sounds and have to be the single most important utterances created by the Danvurian.

Before the Danvurian can actually articulate a sentence, this form of Onomatopoeia is used as an opening to the Danvurians long drawn out opinion. Don't be mistaken, each grouping of words have their own purpose and are used to express the Danvurian's feelings. I call this form of speech "Deflating". The various or typical sounds that make-up Deflating are as follows: Tssss, Psssh, Pssss, Chhh, and finally Phsss. The Danvurian uses these sounds selectively, and to reflect their current state of mind.

Here are some prime examples of Deflating:

PSSH
You: "Hey, that Bronco game was horrible. I can't believe our offense sometimes."

Danvurian: "PSSSSH! I KNOW BUUD! THAT SHIT WAS ALL-WEAK! PSSSH, DAMN IT!"
*( Notice: the Danvurians selection of the Deflating sound "Pssh". The use of "Psssh" usually indicates the Danvurian to be upset or frustrated.)

TSSS
You: "Wow, did you see the body on that chic?!"

Danvurian: "TSSSSS, HELL YEAH! SHE'S ALL-FINE! AWE-MEN-UH (I am going to) PULL HER DIGITS BUUD!"
*( Notice: the use of "Tsss" usually indicates agreement.)

CHHH
You: "You know, that guy is really polite and honest."

Danvurian: "CHHH, OH YES! HE'S JUST PUTTING UP A FRONT BRO! HE'S ALL-SHADEY!"
*( Notice: the use of "Chhh" usually indicates envy or jealousy)

PHSS
You: "Hey uncle check out the new rims on my ride!"

Danvurian: "PHSSSSSSSS!"
*( Notice: the use of "Phsss" is complex. In this example the Danvurian uses "Phsss" as a way of showing happiness for his nephew. In this situation, the Danvurian could have very well been proud of his nephew but "Phss" also comes in handy when the Danvurian is not paying attention. For instance, if the uncle was busy doing something when his nephew approached him, by using "Psss" the uncle can still convey his excitement to his nephew without having to really know what's going on. )

"Phss" can also be used as a sound for landing a fast blow to the face during a round of slap boxing. Slap boxing is a universal activity used by the Danvurian to show dominance. Slap boxing is usually only reserved for aggresive male Danvurians.

Example:

Danvurian: "Ha, jab: Phss...phss...phss! Ooo got you fool! Uh-oh, combo: Phss-phss-phss-phss!

You: "Ok, ok! enough!"

Danvurian: "Tssss, it's what I thought!"

EEEE
The use of "Eeeeee" is a different expression and is usually reserved for Danvurian women. Middle aged, Danvurian women make up the vast majority of Danvurians who use the sound "Eeeee" before articulating a complete sentence. Notice "Eee" is a form of Onomatopoeia but contains the "E" vowel sound. Again "Eeee" has many different interpretations and can be used to express surprise, disgust and excitement. Here are some examples of "Eee".

You: "Hey grandma, did you see how rude that guy was?!"

Grams: "Eeee, I know hito. the nerve of him huh!"

You: "Hey Grandma, I just got my full-ride scholarship to any school of my choice!"

Grams: "Eeeeeeeee! that's great hito! I am so proud of you!"
*(Notice: When genuinely excited, the female Danvurian tends to stretch the "Eee" sound out a bit.)

If you ever find yourself talking with a Danvurian, and want to know their current emotional state, start by deciphering their Deflating consonants before you choose to retort. You must recognize the various sounds of Deflating to deliver the appropriate response. Remember choosing the wrong words can get you in trouble, maybe even a trip to the ER.

Danvurians love phở soup!

Phở, a Vietnamese dish that includes flat, rice noodles, beef broth, and is often served with basil, lime, bean sprouts and peppers. With French and Chinese influences, the word phở comes from the French feu (fire), the French method of adding charred onions to broth, which separates phở from other Asian noodle soups.

In the late 1970's, as Chicano Danvurians in the inner city, we grew up enjoying the Vietnamese culture. I remember going to my friends house to eat delicious Vietnamese cuisine prepared by his mother and sister. In return I would bring my friend over to my house for taco's de lengua and menudo. But nothing could prepare a Danvurian for the love of phở! As Danvurians grew into the pubescent stages, more and more phở restaurants popped up in the surrounding Denver areas. Eventually Danvurians were introduced to the phở soup in astounding numbers. Like menudo is to us Danvur Chicanos, phở is to the Vietnamese Americans. So now that Danvurians have exposed their pallets to foods other than tex-mex and burgers, phở has become a fan favorite in todays Danvur communities.

Danvur Werd of the day - Nedz

Pronunciation: \ˈnedz\

Example: "Dang fool were you with that fine'ol chic?! Nedz, I wish I was! huh!"

You have the right to say no. The word no is short, simple and to the point. Sometimes to us no is a hard word to say, for the simple fact that we often want to please others which prevents us from saying no.

For a Danvurian saying no is an easy and painless task. Danvurians have a unique way of communicating no to the people they care about and hold close. By replacing no with the Danvur word "Nedz" it gives the Danvurian the freedom to just blurt out a negative to a loved one and feel no guilt. Nedz is also a way for the Danvurian to show others how cool, calm and collect he/she really is in a pressured situation. Nedz is usually said in a layed back tone, and no matter how complicated or difficult the situation may be Nedz will almost always roll off the Danvurians tongue with style and grace.

Danvur Werd of the day - Wayzout

wayzout or wiseout
(depends on what side of the tracks you hail from in Denver)

pronounciation: wāz-aut, wīz-aut

Example: "phew! damn bud your ass kicks! wayzout/wiseout bro!"

Have you every teased or played a practical joke on someone? I'm sure we are all guilty as charged, and have had to apologize for our actions. For years in Denver WAYZOUT has been a way to tell someone you're just kidding around with them. The phrase "Wayzout" has been the foundation to our home spun-jargon in the town of Denver, or like our fellow Danvurians would say; DANVUR BuuuD! I've talked with countless Danvurians about the origins of the word "Wayzout", and from my understanding the word "Wayzout" started sometime in the late 60's/early 70's. Just like the vast majority of Danvurians Wayzout was created somewhere in the valley's of southern Colorado and migrated up to Denver.

Here are a few examples of using Wayzout in casual "Danvur" conversation: For instance back in the late 80's a fellow classmate of mine had made a comment about a heavy set girl who wore a spandex outfit to school. He blurted: "Damn girl, those spandex make you look fat! HAAAhaa! Wayzout!" In shock the girl turned to him and shook her head with much Danvur attitude followed by the notorious deflation: "PSSSSSssssh". before she could take actions into her own hands the classmate followed up his insult with a double shot of WAYZOUT: "EEEE, Wayzout girl! your ass makes you look fat!" needless to say she still didn't take the joke very well and proceeded to hand over her earrings, Aqua Net, purse, vent brush and Mary Janes to her girlfriend who was standing next to her. The girl shouted "Fuuuuuhk that!" and charged the poor fool who every so confidently blurted out the insult. Believe me, you didn't want a Poofer chic pissed off at you. The name "Poofer Chic" is another phrase that is part of the Danvur jargon, I will save that one for a later post.

In recent years, Danvurians ranging from ages 25-50 have seen a huge decline in the using of the word "Wayzout". This decline has not stopped a vast majority of Danvurians growing up in the 80's from saying Wayzout in their conversations. Many of Danvurians make the Freudian slip and will say Wayzout instead of just kidding in the work place (You know us Danvurians, we just LOVE "keedin'" around with people.) If you work in a company with colleagues who live all over the U.S. you get some strange reactions to Wayzout. Try slipping in Wayzout instead of just kidding when your around the old water cooler, and watch the looks on their faces, priceless.

When a Danvurian travels outside of the Denver Metro area, Wayzout will have a tendency to slip out during conversation. The Danvurian is then stuck with the task of explaining the meaning of the word and where it came from. Back in the mid 90's I moved to Southern California. I had a wide range of friends: From Mexican Americans to Chicanos and Hippie Surfer types. One day I was hanging out with this group of straight up chola-chics. We hung out and drank beer in the hills of Mount San Jacinto. I recall telling them about life in Denver and how some things are similar. They told me they pictured Denver as straight up "country living" with buffalos roaming free?! I replied with "Yes.....Wayzout! No, we have city living and one of the best Arts complexes in the country?!" All 4 chicas looked at me and said "WhhhAT?!" to which I replied "Wayzout, don't you guys know what that means?" I was so comfortable in conversation that I just assumed they knew the word Wayzout, because they were Mexican American and reminded me of fellow Danvurians. When I explained the word they laughed and it caught on and they would say hey "Wayzout" everytime they saw me. I wasn't sure if they were laughing with me or at me. Us Danvurians get paranoid that way.

Wayzout is a way of life for the Danvurian, without it we will not have luscious words like: Neds, psych, Huh and many other words that make up Danvur jargon. To me, and I think I can speak for other Danvurians, Wayzout is the one word we as Danvurians can all identify with.